Great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.

Growing up, I wasn't the type to have a lot of friends.  I always had a few close ones, but I thought the more friends I had, the better off I'd be.  As an adult, I've learned it's less important to have more friends, and more important to have real ones.  I'd much rather have one quarter than 25 pennies.

I'm a firm believer that friends really do come and go, but the real ones will always gravitate back to you no matter how far they wander.  Some people are in your life for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime.  I'm beyond grateful to have the amazing supportive friends that I do, and life without each of them just wouldn't make sense.  However, that makes having to say goodbye to one of them a million times harder.

After knowing each other for almost 14 years, being friends for 12, having kids that are friends, and living five minutes apart, it's easy to see how our lives are so intertwined.  I know she's moving.  Plane tickets are bought, and the moving forward process is speeding up.  I know why she has to do it, and I understand that.  I'm heartbroken.  My life without her and those kids just doesn't make sense.  There is an emptiness inside me I don't think I've ever felt before.  I have cried almost every single day for the past month.  Not having her around on a daily basis is too much for me.

Of all the friends I have, I definitely spend the most time with her.  This girl is like a sister to me....The good, sweet, innocent sister at that.  Our kids are best friends.  What is life going to be like now?  I can't just pick up the phone and say I'm coming over, or vice versa.  We can't just spontaneously go out to lunch (which we do a lot!).  If we want to see each other, it's a plane ride away.  Saying goodbye to the kids next week is gonna rip me to pieces, and there is no way to prepare for the heartbreak my son and I will both face.  How do I say goodbye to one of the biggest parts of both of our lives?

Where do I go from here?  How do I make it through what is by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do?  People say in time it will get easier, but those who say that don't really know me.  It's not going to get easier.... I'm just hoping I can get to a point where I can learn to live with it and not cry for hours every day.
 
As sad as I am that she's leaving, I'm sad a piece of myself is leaving too.

- DiscoveringMe914-

It is perfectly OK to admit you're not OK.

I'm not OK.  Being Bipolar, it's obviously a common occurrence to have ups and downs.  Even with meds, I still struggle with mania and depression, but as time has passed I've become more leveled off.

However I'm currently on a severe low.  I don't feel ok.... something just isn't right.  And honestly I don't know what's wrong with me, which makes me feel worse.  I feel Just straight depressed.  I have no motivation for anything.  I want to lay in bed or on my couch all day and sleep so I won't have to feel anything.  I haven't cleaned my house, and I always have mounds of clothes in my basement that need to be folded, I constantly forget to pay bills.  I just don't care about anything.

Last weekend I had a full on crazy anxiety attack.  I've never experienced anything like that in my entire life, and I sure hope I never have to again.  Chest pain and unable to breathe.  It came out of nowhere and lasted over an hour.  It took my best friend and my boss awhile to calm me down and luckily I was able to get anxiety meds from someone, and after taking them I was ok after about an hour. If that hadn't been an option, I'm pretty sure my best friend and I would have been sitting in the ER.  And trust me that was the last thing I wanted.  So grateful I was able to come down from that.  Definitely the most scary experience ive ever had.

I feel like I'm just so isolated because I can't deal with anyone when I feel like this.  I have trouble parenting, being a wife, and being a good friend when this happens.  And that's really not me at all.  I'm always the one to drop everything for anyone else, but when this happens I just can't, and that is heartbreaking for me.

When I'm in this mood I generally start to get angry.  I didn't ask to have Bipolar or Anxiety.  I didn't ask to be depressed or have ADHD.  Yet I do.  And when push comes to shove, I don't feel like I asked to have an eating disorder.  Did I make the best decisions?  Absolutely not.  But now I have to spend the rest of my life paying the price. I put a recovery tattoo on my wrist earlier this year because I finally felt confident enough and had finally reach a point of never wanting to look back... and that that life wasn't for me anymore.  However... I now feel myself heading in a direction that I swore I'd never resort back to... and I'm trying my hardest to not fall back into old habits.  I feel like I'm standing on a thin line between falling and rising.  And the last thing I want is to fall.... and have to admit I've yet again failed.

Everyone keeps telling me it gets better.  However after weeks of feeling this way I'm becoming worse.  Nothing is getting better.  Nothing is becoming easier for me.  I just wish I could figure out what was going on with me... so I could figure out where I have to go from here.

30 Day Challenge - Day 14 - 2/9/16

Day 14

3 healthy habits

Having battled an eating disorder for a huge chunk of my life, healthy habits have always been a struggle for me. This past year when it was nice out I made sure to walk multiple times a week a few miles.  Usually once a week is about 5 miles.  I've also decided it's time to cut back on carbs and sugar again because when I cut back on those last I was able to lose 25 lbs in less than 3 months.... In a healthy way which was a huge step for me!  I'm totally not a gym person, so walking is def for me!

30 Day Challenge - Day 13 - 2/8/16

Day 13

What's inside my fridge?

Tons of stuff!  There are 3 of us in my house and we all like different things.  When it comes to my stuff, I always make sure I have lactaid milk.... It's one of the main staples to my diet!  And I have an obsession with shredded cheese so I make sure we always have some of that as well.  And Olivio butter.  Its the only kind of butter I can have.  Honestly those are the only things I absolutely have to have!

30 Day Challenge - Day 12 - 2/7/16

Day 12

My favorite childhood book!

I honestly have racked my brain over this for awhile and I've always been such a bookworm that I don't remember having one certain favorite book!  The Babysitters Club series however, is a totally different story... I was a huge fan!  I started reading the series when I was 7 or 8, and read them till around 14.... And occasionally I will pull a few out randomly and still read them because I still have all of them... No shame here!!  I loved everything about those books and my best friend was just as big of a fan as I was!  We always pretended to be the characters and wished we had our own club.  Stacey was always my favorite.  Those books brought me to my happy place and I remember getting so excited when a new one would come out that I would usually try and get it the day it came out!  I remember when I first started reading them I was reading two a day because I was so into them.  Definitely the best books series ever!  (Although I really loved American Girl books too!)

30 Day Challenge - Day 11 - 2/6/16

Day 11

10 Favorite Foods

I'm such a picky eater so this is actually pretty hard!

1.  Tacos
2.  Mac and Cheese
3. Pizza
4. Burgers
5. Pasta
6. Chicken
7. Mussels
8. Green Beans
9. Pancakes
10. Tuna

That just took me about 10 minutes to come up with that!

30 Day Challenge - Day 10 - 2/5/16

Day 10

What was the best trip of my life?

I have two, for two completely different reasons.

First one have to be my wedding/honeymoon in the Bahamas.  That was the first and only time I've been out of the country and it was amazing.  The weather was beautiful and I loved having a room that overlooked the ocean.  It rained for about 10 minutes every day and then a few minutes later it was clear and sunny!  The beach was absolutely stunning and the water was crystal clear.  Definitely a place I would want to go back to!

Second would have to be my weekends this past July and September at the Cape with my best friend.  I hadn't been to the Cape since I was a teenager and it was still as great as it was then.  Something about the beach is just soothing to the soul.  We went to some great restaurants and bars, and of course mini golf, and a river cruise.  Our second trip is when we got our quote tattoo, and it was my first one! And it was nice for us to have that one on one bonding time together because we don't get a lot of it.  Looking forward to many more trips together!