Just because it doesn't show on the outside doesn't mean I don't think about it daily... and doesn't mean it doesn't still kill me inside.
I should be almost 18 weeks pregnant, rocking maternity clothes, hoarding baby clothes, and decorating my ocean themed nursery for my little Tyler Blake or Leah Izabella-Hope.
But here I am, 13 weeks later, back on medication, and crying behind closed doors about the child I lost, with the only memory I have of it being a picture of a positive pregnancy test.
I know I'm surrounded by people who love me unconditionally and are always willing to listen and be there for me no matter what. But I guess there is a part of me that feels like I should be "over it" by now... so sometimes it's easier to bury the feelings then share them.
Now back on medication and awaiting a new IUD, I feel like I've failed. I wanted this so badly. My husband made the decision that we should wait till my son is 6 or 7 to try again. It isn't what I want but I have no choice but to accept that is the only option if I still want another child. That's still 3 years away... even then there is no guarantee I'll get pregnant again. What if this was my only chance?
I tell myself once my medication is back to the normal dosages that I won't feel this awful, but honestly, I don't know if that's the case. I'm heartbroken. I don't know how to move forward with my life after a loss like this. I never thought I would ever have to experience this heartache, yet here I am.
There is a part of me that thinks maybe there really isn't a "time table" as to how long it will take to heal. We all deal with and handle things differently. It's hard to go from feeling like everything is perfect... to the ultimate crash down so quickly.
So at this point I honestly just feel stuck. Things aren't going to happen the way they were supposed to, and I have to somehow figure out how to accept that.... but at the same time I don't want to because it isn't what I wanted. I want that baby back. I want to be able to turn back the clock and have never had to experience what I have. I feel like the last 6 months of my life were a total waste of time. I spent 6 months off medication I needed to gain absolutely nothing, and lose a child in the process. I want to close my eyes and have everything be different.... and I can't.
My life will never be the same. And neither will I.
