Sometimes, your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.

It's been 6 weeks.  I thought by now it would all make sense to me but I'm still in a fog.  It doesn't help that I know someone whose due date is two weeks before mine was supposed to be.... she posted a pic of her child on Facebook holding ultrasound pics, and all I could think was...

That's supposed to be me.

I'm supposed to be pregnant with my May baby.  I'm supposed to be happy.  My son is supposed to have a sibling. I think about that baby....

EVERY.  SINGLE.  FREAKING.  DAY.

Just because I'm not crying 24/7 or talk about it doesn't mean I'm not sad.  I'm devastated.  I never thought this would happen to me.  I had testing done which proved it was a miscarriage, but showed no reason as to why, which is supposed to be a good thing.  I'm free to try again, but I'm now dealing with the intense fear of having another miscarriage.  I don't want to go through that again... the pain is too intense.

I've now spent 5 months off medication that I need in order to try to have a baby.... and I feel like a failure.  I know I need that medication.... trust me, everyone around me knows I need it!  I know I should throw in the towel, but I can't bring myself to do it.  I got pregnant.  I had a miscarriage.  I know what it's like to feel like you've lost everything.  But I did get pregnant.... so I know it's possible.  I'm dangling by what at this point,  feels like a thread,  but I'm too thick headed to give up.  I feel like if I give up now, the last 5 months have been nothing but a waste of time.  I'm so stressed out and so emotionally drained I can't think straight.  I want another child.  I want my son to have a sibling.  But how far am I willing to sink into this depression before I realize I need to give in?  All I want to do is sleep.  I can easily sleep 9-10 hours a night and still be exhausted.  I know from previous deep depressions, that sleep is one thing that has always been a comfort to me.

I know I need to do what's best for my husband and for the child I do have.  They deserve to have the best of me, which at this point,  I can't give them.  It makes me sad in all aspects.  I'm so sunk right now that I just keep hoping things will make some miraculous turn around.... which is highly unlikely.  I just continue to watch myself sink deeper and deeper...