I was always envious of my friends who had great relationships with their moms. I longed for that perfect mother/daughter bond in my own life. I have since come to the conclusion it just wasn't meant to be... with my own mother.
We are two completely different people and butt heads about everything. Our relationship is built completely around my son, and that's all it will ever be. That's not saying I haven't tried, but there is only so much effort I can put into something before I realized its just not worth it anymore. It's virtually impossible to have a conversation without a blowout argument attached. However that doesn't mean I didn't wish things weren't different. It means its just not possible.
However when someone else could show me what it was like, I learned how amazing it was. For a good year and a half, I had it.
I had a mom to share secrets with, help me with my child, spend time with me, and show me what it was like to have that bond I craved. It was great to have such a strong support system and have someone treat me like her 4th child. No matter what, I knew I could turn to her and she would always be there to help me. She promised she would always be there, and be the mom I deserved. We even planned a vacation together. I was sure this was a lifelong bond.
Things were great.... until I had my bad relapse with Anorexia. She was constantly lecturing me and putting me down. She would tell me i was selfish and didn't care about my child. I worked hard getting back on track and was doing much better before our vacation. We had an amazing time and things were great. However within a month or so of coming home things were really starting to change. Other things were coming between us, and she still couldn't let my relapse go. She was sick of dealing with it. We started talking less and less, and eventually our relationship basically turned from mother/daughter to almost acquaintances. I can count the number of times we've been in touch in the past year.
To go from not having that bond, to having it and losing it, is almost like losing it twice. At times I've felt orphaned. There was no big falling out... we grew apart (there were other reasons involved) and I wish I could say I have no regrets because I'm glad to have had it, and I am, ... but there are a few. How can you turn your back on someone you say you love like your own child? I feel like it was just another person to break a promise to me... and walk away.
However, I'm very happy with the people I do have in my life. I have unconditional love. My best friend is also my unbiological mom and knows how to fulfill both roles (cause I'm her baby and she knows sometimes her baby just needs her mom!) and has known me half my life. I have a few other unbiological sisters that have been in my life for years, and would give the world for me. I have an amazing husband and son. I truly feel the people I have in my life now are all that I really need, and I really don't think any of them are going anywhere.
However when someone else could show me what it was like, I learned how amazing it was. For a good year and a half, I had it.
I had a mom to share secrets with, help me with my child, spend time with me, and show me what it was like to have that bond I craved. It was great to have such a strong support system and have someone treat me like her 4th child. No matter what, I knew I could turn to her and she would always be there to help me. She promised she would always be there, and be the mom I deserved. We even planned a vacation together. I was sure this was a lifelong bond.
Things were great.... until I had my bad relapse with Anorexia. She was constantly lecturing me and putting me down. She would tell me i was selfish and didn't care about my child. I worked hard getting back on track and was doing much better before our vacation. We had an amazing time and things were great. However within a month or so of coming home things were really starting to change. Other things were coming between us, and she still couldn't let my relapse go. She was sick of dealing with it. We started talking less and less, and eventually our relationship basically turned from mother/daughter to almost acquaintances. I can count the number of times we've been in touch in the past year.
To go from not having that bond, to having it and losing it, is almost like losing it twice. At times I've felt orphaned. There was no big falling out... we grew apart (there were other reasons involved) and I wish I could say I have no regrets because I'm glad to have had it, and I am, ... but there are a few. How can you turn your back on someone you say you love like your own child? I feel like it was just another person to break a promise to me... and walk away.
However, I'm very happy with the people I do have in my life. I have unconditional love. My best friend is also my unbiological mom and knows how to fulfill both roles (cause I'm her baby and she knows sometimes her baby just needs her mom!) and has known me half my life. I have a few other unbiological sisters that have been in my life for years, and would give the world for me. I have an amazing husband and son. I truly feel the people I have in my life now are all that I really need, and I really don't think any of them are going anywhere.
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