Great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.

Growing up, I wasn't the type to have a lot of friends.  I always had a few close ones, but I thought the more friends I had, the better off I'd be.  As an adult, I've learned it's less important to have more friends, and more important to have real ones.  I'd much rather have one quarter than 25 pennies.

I'm a firm believer that friends really do come and go, but the real ones will always gravitate back to you no matter how far they wander.  Some people are in your life for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime.  I'm beyond grateful to have the amazing supportive friends that I do, and life without each of them just wouldn't make sense.  However, that makes having to say goodbye to one of them a million times harder.

After knowing each other for almost 14 years, being friends for 12, having kids that are friends, and living five minutes apart, it's easy to see how our lives are so intertwined.  I know she's moving.  Plane tickets are bought, and the moving forward process is speeding up.  I know why she has to do it, and I understand that.  I'm heartbroken.  My life without her and those kids just doesn't make sense.  There is an emptiness inside me I don't think I've ever felt before.  I have cried almost every single day for the past month.  Not having her around on a daily basis is too much for me.

Of all the friends I have, I definitely spend the most time with her.  This girl is like a sister to me....The good, sweet, innocent sister at that.  Our kids are best friends.  What is life going to be like now?  I can't just pick up the phone and say I'm coming over, or vice versa.  We can't just spontaneously go out to lunch (which we do a lot!).  If we want to see each other, it's a plane ride away.  Saying goodbye to the kids next week is gonna rip me to pieces, and there is no way to prepare for the heartbreak my son and I will both face.  How do I say goodbye to one of the biggest parts of both of our lives?

Where do I go from here?  How do I make it through what is by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do?  People say in time it will get easier, but those who say that don't really know me.  It's not going to get easier.... I'm just hoping I can get to a point where I can learn to live with it and not cry for hours every day.
 
As sad as I am that she's leaving, I'm sad a piece of myself is leaving too.

- DiscoveringMe914-

It is perfectly OK to admit you're not OK.

I'm not OK.  Being Bipolar, it's obviously a common occurrence to have ups and downs.  Even with meds, I still struggle with mania and depression, but as time has passed I've become more leveled off.

However I'm currently on a severe low.  I don't feel ok.... something just isn't right.  And honestly I don't know what's wrong with me, which makes me feel worse.  I feel Just straight depressed.  I have no motivation for anything.  I want to lay in bed or on my couch all day and sleep so I won't have to feel anything.  I haven't cleaned my house, and I always have mounds of clothes in my basement that need to be folded, I constantly forget to pay bills.  I just don't care about anything.

Last weekend I had a full on crazy anxiety attack.  I've never experienced anything like that in my entire life, and I sure hope I never have to again.  Chest pain and unable to breathe.  It came out of nowhere and lasted over an hour.  It took my best friend and my boss awhile to calm me down and luckily I was able to get anxiety meds from someone, and after taking them I was ok after about an hour. If that hadn't been an option, I'm pretty sure my best friend and I would have been sitting in the ER.  And trust me that was the last thing I wanted.  So grateful I was able to come down from that.  Definitely the most scary experience ive ever had.

I feel like I'm just so isolated because I can't deal with anyone when I feel like this.  I have trouble parenting, being a wife, and being a good friend when this happens.  And that's really not me at all.  I'm always the one to drop everything for anyone else, but when this happens I just can't, and that is heartbreaking for me.

When I'm in this mood I generally start to get angry.  I didn't ask to have Bipolar or Anxiety.  I didn't ask to be depressed or have ADHD.  Yet I do.  And when push comes to shove, I don't feel like I asked to have an eating disorder.  Did I make the best decisions?  Absolutely not.  But now I have to spend the rest of my life paying the price. I put a recovery tattoo on my wrist earlier this year because I finally felt confident enough and had finally reach a point of never wanting to look back... and that that life wasn't for me anymore.  However... I now feel myself heading in a direction that I swore I'd never resort back to... and I'm trying my hardest to not fall back into old habits.  I feel like I'm standing on a thin line between falling and rising.  And the last thing I want is to fall.... and have to admit I've yet again failed.

Everyone keeps telling me it gets better.  However after weeks of feeling this way I'm becoming worse.  Nothing is getting better.  Nothing is becoming easier for me.  I just wish I could figure out what was going on with me... so I could figure out where I have to go from here.

30 Day Challenge - Day 14 - 2/9/16

Day 14

3 healthy habits

Having battled an eating disorder for a huge chunk of my life, healthy habits have always been a struggle for me. This past year when it was nice out I made sure to walk multiple times a week a few miles.  Usually once a week is about 5 miles.  I've also decided it's time to cut back on carbs and sugar again because when I cut back on those last I was able to lose 25 lbs in less than 3 months.... In a healthy way which was a huge step for me!  I'm totally not a gym person, so walking is def for me!

30 Day Challenge - Day 13 - 2/8/16

Day 13

What's inside my fridge?

Tons of stuff!  There are 3 of us in my house and we all like different things.  When it comes to my stuff, I always make sure I have lactaid milk.... It's one of the main staples to my diet!  And I have an obsession with shredded cheese so I make sure we always have some of that as well.  And Olivio butter.  Its the only kind of butter I can have.  Honestly those are the only things I absolutely have to have!

30 Day Challenge - Day 12 - 2/7/16

Day 12

My favorite childhood book!

I honestly have racked my brain over this for awhile and I've always been such a bookworm that I don't remember having one certain favorite book!  The Babysitters Club series however, is a totally different story... I was a huge fan!  I started reading the series when I was 7 or 8, and read them till around 14.... And occasionally I will pull a few out randomly and still read them because I still have all of them... No shame here!!  I loved everything about those books and my best friend was just as big of a fan as I was!  We always pretended to be the characters and wished we had our own club.  Stacey was always my favorite.  Those books brought me to my happy place and I remember getting so excited when a new one would come out that I would usually try and get it the day it came out!  I remember when I first started reading them I was reading two a day because I was so into them.  Definitely the best books series ever!  (Although I really loved American Girl books too!)

30 Day Challenge - Day 11 - 2/6/16

Day 11

10 Favorite Foods

I'm such a picky eater so this is actually pretty hard!

1.  Tacos
2.  Mac and Cheese
3. Pizza
4. Burgers
5. Pasta
6. Chicken
7. Mussels
8. Green Beans
9. Pancakes
10. Tuna

That just took me about 10 minutes to come up with that!

30 Day Challenge - Day 10 - 2/5/16

Day 10

What was the best trip of my life?

I have two, for two completely different reasons.

First one have to be my wedding/honeymoon in the Bahamas.  That was the first and only time I've been out of the country and it was amazing.  The weather was beautiful and I loved having a room that overlooked the ocean.  It rained for about 10 minutes every day and then a few minutes later it was clear and sunny!  The beach was absolutely stunning and the water was crystal clear.  Definitely a place I would want to go back to!

Second would have to be my weekends this past July and September at the Cape with my best friend.  I hadn't been to the Cape since I was a teenager and it was still as great as it was then.  Something about the beach is just soothing to the soul.  We went to some great restaurants and bars, and of course mini golf, and a river cruise.  Our second trip is when we got our quote tattoo, and it was my first one! And it was nice for us to have that one on one bonding time together because we don't get a lot of it.  Looking forward to many more trips together!

30 Day Challenge - Day 9 - 2/4/16

Day 9

What's in my purse?

Thought this subject was a little bizarre but I'm just following the same topics as the challenge!
My purse has everything... One of my friends used to call it a Mary Poppins bagcause I had so much in it!  I recently downgraded to a smaller bag cause I had way too much stuff!  I obviously have my wallet.  Also my phone charger, checkbooks, receipts (I'm what they call a receipt hoarder), meds, ChapStick, and I think that's it!  I eliminated so much when I switched to the smaller bag!

30 Day Challenge - Day 8 - 2/3/16

Day 8

5 Current Goals
(Which I would consider for this year)

1.  Pay off a credit card
2.  Pay off my car
3.  Take more vacations
4.  Declutter my house
5.  Stop spending money on unnecessary things

I honestly try not to focus on too many things at once because I get overwhelmed easily... So I try to make reasonable ones to eliminate massive amounts of stress!!

30 Day Challenge - Day 7 - 2/2/16

Day 7

5 Favorite Songs

1.  Shut Up and Dance by Walk the Moon
- seriously the catchiest song ever!  It's impossible for me to hear it and not start instantly singing it!

2.  What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction
- yes I love them, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.  The first time I heard it I loved it.  I used to play it all the time when my son was a baby because it was the only song that would soothe him.  As he's gotten older he askes for it all the time.. It hasn't gotten old yet!

3.  It's All Coming Back to Me Now by Celine Dion
- I have loved this song since I was 12.  I have been a fan of hers for as long as I can remember and her music has gotten me thru some really hard times.


4.  Conviction of the Heart by Kenny Loggins
- whenever I need to unwind or just need something relaxing I put this on.  I don't know what it is about that song but I just find it very soothing.

5.  No Scrubs by TLC
- my favorite group of all time.  How can anyone not love this song???

30 Day Challenge - Day 6 - 2\1\16

Day 6

What are you afraid of?

Well first the obvious, something happening to my child.
Then...
- people that mean the most to me dying
- heights
- failure
- not being able to get out of debt

Honestly, I'm not afraid of a ton of things.  That's probably a good thing!

30 Day Challenge - Day 5 - 1/31/16

Day 5

My Proudest Moment!

This is actually a really easy one for me.... 12/27/07... the day we bought our house!  Ever since I was little I dreamed of owning my own house.  Once I was out of school and working all the time we saved up and got our apartment.  Lucky for us our rent was cheap enough that we were able to stay there for a few years to save up for a house.... and at age 24 I got my wish!  I remember signing the papers and getting handed the keys and all I could think was yes we finally did it!  At that moment I realized it was totally worth working 2 jobs and pretty much not having a life for a few years just to get our house.  I still love it to this day....a little smaller than I would have liked but other than that I really don't have any complaints :)

30 Day Challenge - Day 4 - 1/30/16

Day 4

My dream job!  I have two.

1.  Writer (the extremely obvious one)

I remember I started writing short stories about the age of 9 or 10.  Then I moved on from short stories, and wrote my first "book" at age 13.  From there I spent years writing poetry.  Then I started writing another book at 22 and finished at 23, and would love to publish it one day.  My best friend read it and said it was so good she couldn't even put it down and that I needed to write a sequel cause I couldn't leave her hanging!  My dream has always been to publish a book.  I still hope one day I will walk by a bookstore and see my book in the window.  Now my writing consists of blogging... My entire life I've always done some form of writing.  Writing has always been my outlet for expression, especially when I just can't get the words out.  It has helped me in so many ways, and I'm lucky it has always come easily for me.

2. Therapist (the obvious but no so obvious one)

I was in my late teens when I started to think about it, and as I got older I realized I probably would have made a great one!  If I didn't hate school so much I definitely would have followed through with it.  I feel like as I gained more life experience the desire to do it became greater.  I like to be there for people because i know how it feels to have no one.  I'm trustworthy, a good listener, loyal, and one of the most non judgemental people you'll ever meet.  So many times I wish I had someone like me... To understand me!  There's something so rewarding about being able to help someone in a way no one else can!

30 Day Challenge - Day 3 - 1/29/16

Day 3

My favorite quote!

I have two that are tied for 1st place.

1.  Choice, chance, change.  You have to make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change."

This is my trademark... every quote scrapbook I've made has this one in it.  So true!  As much as I'd consider myself not a risk taker, there are occasions in which I have and almost every time it benefitted me in a good way.  The first time I saw this I instantly loved it.  Change is a part of life, whether I like it or not.

2.  "Be Yourself.  An original is worth more than a copy."

This was the title of the blog that changed my life in so many ways.  I wrote it and took a risk and sent it out to a bunch of people and the support I received was amazing.  At a time where I felt so alone, I suddenly wasn't anymore.  So glad I decided to do it... It literally changed my life.  The best thing to come out of it was reconnecting with the greatest girl in my life and we will never let each other go again.  It's all because I sent her that blog and hoped I'd get positive feedback and I obviously got so much more... the support I got from her was overwhelming.  If I hadn't sent that, I don't think we would be in each others lives right now... And that makes me sad.  One spontaneous decision brough us back together.. So I feel like that is proof everything happens for a reason! Ive always been pretty closed off about what Ive been throught because I feared being judged... But I just didnt want to live in secret anymore.  That's where the quote came in... I needed to be me... I needed to let the fear go and realize no one's perfect... We've all made mistakes and we all have a story!  I realized afterwards that I was still the same person... I just became brave enough to let the real me show!

-DiscoveringMe914-

30 Day Challenge - Day 2- 1/28/16

Day 2

20 facts about me!

1.  My favorite color is purple
2.  I love reality TV
3.  I regret finding out the gender of my child ahead of time... my gut feeling was right anyway but I think the anticipation of not knowing would have been amazing
4.  I got my first tattoo this year
5.  The biggest comfort for me is someone playing with my hair
6.  Cape Cod is my favorite getaway destination
7.  I'm probably one of the pickiest eaters on the planet
8.  I'm terrified of heights
9.  My best friend is also my unbiological mom and big sister
10.  I had a miscarriage in 2014 and to this day I still struggle with the fact that my son will be an only child.
11.  I got married on the beach in the Bahamas
12.  I wasn't shown alot of affection growing up...as an adult I often need to be reassured that I'm loved
13.  Im the type of girl who will always be there to listen and comfort people, because I know what it's like to not have that safety net
14.  Growing up I wanted to be a news reporter
15.  I didn't go to college
16.  I'm very guarded and don't open up to many people
17.  The one celebrity I've always wanted to meet is Portia de Rossi
18.  I've loved reading since I was a child
19.  My son is named after two people, his first, a professional skateboarder and his middle, the person who changed my life the most
20.  Scrapbooking is one of my biggest passions

- DiscoveringMe914-

30 Day Challenge - Day 1- 1/27/16

I came across a 30 day blog challenge and figured why not try it?

Day 1 : Your blog's name

How did I come up with Climbing the Mountain to Happiness?  It's definitely fitting!  When I started, I was at a very low point and felt I could only go up from there.  Someone had mentioned my journey was similar to climbing a mountain, so the name came to me instantly.  I started at the very bottom, looking at this giant mountain, thinking there is no way I will ever get to the top.  It was overwhelming.  So I took a step back and realized I had to start with baby steps, because any step in the right direction is progress, no matter how small the step.  Don't get me wrong, I have a long way to go, but I have made so much progress.  It's not so overwhelming now.... I try not to focus on the main goal, but rather, the next small step.  I can't see the top, but I also can't see the bottom... and that itself is proof of progress.

The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written.

2015 has come to an end.  I definitely think this was the most life changing year for me.... so many things happened this year!  The downside... losing my Nonnie, my last grandparent, unexpectedly.  Life has forever changed since that moment.. a moment I was not prepared for.  Moving forward hasn't been easy, but here I am, doing it.

Most people know I hate summer.... or as I should say now... USED to hate summer.  This was the best summer of my life.  I did so many fun things and I feel like this is one of the first years I've actually enjoyed life.  This year I went on my first road trip, got my first tattoo (finally!), and took several other memorable trips, all with my best friend by my side!  I've learned to live in the moment.  I have spent so much of life dwelling on the past and thinking about the future that the present was flying right by me and I was too busy to see it.... and I'm trying very hard to not do that anymore.  Sure, I'm thinking about what I can do next week, but that's pretty much the extent of it... minus the week in July at the Cape I'm so looking forward to!  I'm forever thankful to have such an amazing unbiological mom/big sister/ best friend who has opened my eyes to another way of life... and without her, I couldn't be me.  She has taught me how to live... instead of just existing in a world of "what if's".  I've learned to not live with regrets.... every single decision I've ever made has shaped me into the person I am.  Are there things I wish I could change or have done differently?  I'm sure there's a few... but no regrets.  The past cannot be changed, edited, or erased.  I've learned from every decision I've made... therefore, I do not think anything has been a mistake.  And I've learned more things than ever this year!

Sometimes you have to let people go... not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever.  People really do come and go.... but the right ones always stay.  And some people are only meant to leave your life temporarily.  Letting go is a process... and not an easy one.  I've had to do it this year and I'm happy with my decision... I will always be grateful for the good times and look back on them and smile.  Sometimes people enter your life at just the right time... and exit the same way.  The people that are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back to you, no matter how far they wander.

This year was about gaining life experience.  You can always make more money, but you can't always make more memories.  I think our first trip to the Cape opened my eyes to that.  There's something about sitting on the beach with the sun shining and listening to the waves... and just savoring the moment.  It's ok to take time off.  It's ok to go away without your child and not feel guilty in the least.  You only live ONCE.  Could I have not gone away at all and worked instead and started trying to pay off debt?  Of course.  But no amount of money could take the place of what this year meant to me.  I will have those memories forever.

Most people know I don't make resolutions... mainly because I never keep them!  I do however, have goals for 2016.

1.  Make a thorough effort to start paying off debt
2.  Travel more (and somehow try to stick to #1 at the same time!)
3.  Take my meds every day
4.  Start couponing again (I used to be great at it.... and saved so much money!)

I'm sure if I thought long and hard I could come up with more, but those are my main ones.  No guarantees, but I will give it my best effort!

Goodbye to 2015, and all the memories that were made.
2016, I hope you're ready for even more.


~DiscoveringMe914~

Running away from your problems is a race you'll never win.

It's been so long since I've written.... I just haven't had it in me.  However, it's known that writing is the easiest way for me to express myself when I struggle to get the words out.

I have been struggling lately.  Losing my grandmother, my last grandparent, 3 weeks ago has taken a toll on me.  I question where the future of my family lies because she was the glue that held us all together, and I worry that we will end up drifting apart.  Although I'm grateful to have maintained a good relationship with two of my cousins and hope that continues.

Parenting an unruly almost 4 year old boy is also a major challenge.  I can only hope I can get my out of control child to get the help he needs to function better.... even if it means being the only parent to deal with it.

I have made mistakes and been open about them.  I'm not perfect.  However, now I find myself in a deep hole.  I've been confronted by a few people about it.... which has resulted in me getting angry, denying it, and having limited contact with those people.  Truth is now that I've been forced to open my eyes to it, it's clear as day right in front of me.  I told myself if I ignored it that it would fix myself.  I don't want to see it.  I cannot believe I've fucked up to the extent that I have.  I'm ashamed of myself at this point.  I tell myself I have to be a big girl and that I can fix this on my own without help from anyone.  I tell myself it is fixable.... if I do something about it now.  If I don't... it will reach a point where I won't be able to get out of it.

No one knows.  I don't want to talk about it.  To anyone.  I don't keep anything from my therapist... I'm an open book... except this. My best friend who is also an unbiological mom and big sister to me... who is the best mom ever and would do anything in the world for me doesn't know.... and we tell each other everything.  So this is hard.  I feel like I've tried to tell her and change my mind every time.  I know I won't be judged for it... I've never been judged for my mistakes.   But I feel like I know the reaction I will get.  I honestly don't think there is anything they can do to help me... which is why I have kept it to myself.  I want to attempt to fix this on my own... even though there is that voice in the back of my head that says I can't and that I am in way over my head and that I need help. But I want to try.  I have created this problem all on my own and have no one to blame but myself.... so I feel I should fix it by myself.

☆DiscoveringMe914☆

Learn to let go. Not everyone in your life is meant to stay.

We all have things we struggle with, that we need to come to terms with.  But as much as we know we need to, sometimes inside the pain is so deep it seems next to impossible.

I was always envious of my friends who had great relationships with their moms. I longed for that perfect mother/daughter bond in my own life.  I have since come to the conclusion it just wasn't meant to be... with my own mother. 

We are two completely different people and butt heads about everything.  Our relationship is built completely around my son, and that's all it will ever be.  That's not saying I haven't tried, but there is only so much effort I can put into something before I realized its just not worth it anymore.  It's virtually impossible to have a conversation without a blowout argument attached.  However that doesn't mean I didn't wish things weren't different.  It means its just not possible.

However when someone else could show me what it was like, I learned how amazing it was.  For a good year and a half, I had it.

I had a mom to share secrets with, help me with my child, spend time with me, and show me what it was like to have that bond I craved.  It was great to have such a strong support system and have someone treat me like her 4th child.  No matter what, I knew I could turn to her and she would always be there to help me.  She promised she would always be there, and be the mom I deserved.  We even planned a vacation together.  I was sure this was a lifelong bond.

Things were great.... until I had my bad relapse with Anorexia.  She was constantly lecturing me and putting me down.  She would tell me i was selfish and didn't care about my child.  I worked hard getting back on track and was doing much better before our vacation.  We had an amazing time and things were great.  However within a month or so of coming home things were really starting to change.  Other things were coming between us, and she still couldn't let my relapse go.  She was sick of dealing with it.  We started talking less and less, and eventually our relationship basically turned from mother/daughter to almost acquaintances.  I can count the number of times we've been in touch in the past year.

To go from not having that bond, to having it and losing it, is almost like losing it twice.  At times I've felt orphaned.  There was no big falling out... we grew apart (there were other reasons involved) and I wish I could say I have no regrets because I'm glad to have had it, and I am, ... but there are a few.  How can you turn your back on someone you say you love like your own child? I feel like it was just another person to break a promise to me... and walk away.

However, I'm very happy with the people I do have in my life.  I have unconditional love.  My best friend is also my unbiological mom and knows how to fulfill both roles (cause I'm her baby and she knows sometimes her baby just needs her mom!) and has known me half my life.  I have a few other unbiological sisters that have been in my life for years, and would give the world for me.  I have an amazing husband and son.  I truly feel the people I have in my life now are all that I really need, and I really don't think any of them are going anywhere.

Don't look back with regret, look forward with hope. (Edited Version)

Unconditional love.

Everyone deserves to have it.  Most feel it from birth.  Some go through life desperately searching for that feeling.  I'm the latter of the two.

My son is my world.  He's saved my life in more ways then one.  My husband is one of my best friends.  I love them more than words can express.  I know how it feels to give love unconditionally.  But I feel like I've spent most of my life not knowing how it feels to receive it.

To be able to teach someone the true meaning of unconditional love is life's greatest lesson.  I'm eternally grateful to finally know how it feels to experience it on the receiving end.

I've learned that you don't have to give birth or share the same DNA to love someone like your own.

Despite there being only a 7 year age gap, I'm her baby girl, and have been since the young age of 16.  I've learned it's not about being inseparable, it's about being separated and nothing changes.  We spent many years apart yet now have a bond that is stronger than ever.  Without her, I wouldn't be the person I am right now, nor would I know how it feels to receive the unconditional love I know I deserve to have.

Unconditional love is daily I love you's.  It's an endless supply of hugs, wiping tears, advice, over protectiveness, sheltering, and support.  It's late night phone calls and/or texts no matter how tired.  It's trying to double as a mom and sister.  It's being complete opposites yet sharing an unbreakable bond.  It's losing a child and sharing a broken heart.  It's no disappointment or judgement.  It's treating the words "I need you" as a crisis.  It's loving my child whole heartedly.  It's wanting nothing more than to see me succeed. I know no matter how many mistakes I make or how many times I screw up, I'm still her baby, and that will never ever change. She promised she will take care of me till the day she dies, and I truly believe that.  Her love for me has no boundaries.  She has taught me life's greatest lesson without even realizing it.

"There will always be a reason why you meet people.  Either you need them to change your life or you are the one that will change theirs".

Maybe sometimes it's both.  I only hope I've made half the impact in her life that she's made in mine.

Thank you.  I love you to the moon and back.