Just because it doesn't show on the outside doesn't mean I don't think about it daily... and doesn't mean it doesn't still kill me inside.
I should be almost 18 weeks pregnant, rocking maternity clothes, hoarding baby clothes, and decorating my ocean themed nursery for my little Tyler Blake or Leah Izabella-Hope.
But here I am, 13 weeks later, back on medication, and crying behind closed doors about the child I lost, with the only memory I have of it being a picture of a positive pregnancy test.
I know I'm surrounded by people who love me unconditionally and are always willing to listen and be there for me no matter what. But I guess there is a part of me that feels like I should be "over it" by now... so sometimes it's easier to bury the feelings then share them.
Now back on medication and awaiting a new IUD, I feel like I've failed. I wanted this so badly. My husband made the decision that we should wait till my son is 6 or 7 to try again. It isn't what I want but I have no choice but to accept that is the only option if I still want another child. That's still 3 years away... even then there is no guarantee I'll get pregnant again. What if this was my only chance?
I tell myself once my medication is back to the normal dosages that I won't feel this awful, but honestly, I don't know if that's the case. I'm heartbroken. I don't know how to move forward with my life after a loss like this. I never thought I would ever have to experience this heartache, yet here I am.
There is a part of me that thinks maybe there really isn't a "time table" as to how long it will take to heal. We all deal with and handle things differently. It's hard to go from feeling like everything is perfect... to the ultimate crash down so quickly.
So at this point I honestly just feel stuck. Things aren't going to happen the way they were supposed to, and I have to somehow figure out how to accept that.... but at the same time I don't want to because it isn't what I wanted. I want that baby back. I want to be able to turn back the clock and have never had to experience what I have. I feel like the last 6 months of my life were a total waste of time. I spent 6 months off medication I needed to gain absolutely nothing, and lose a child in the process. I want to close my eyes and have everything be different.... and I can't.
My life will never be the same. And neither will I.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Sometimes, your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.
It's been 6 weeks. I thought by now it would all make sense to me but I'm still in a fog. It doesn't help that I know someone whose due date is two weeks before mine was supposed to be.... she posted a pic of her child on Facebook holding ultrasound pics, and all I could think was...
That's supposed to be me.
I'm supposed to be pregnant with my May baby. I'm supposed to be happy. My son is supposed to have a sibling. I think about that baby....
EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKING. DAY.
Just because I'm not crying 24/7 or talk about it doesn't mean I'm not sad. I'm devastated. I never thought this would happen to me. I had testing done which proved it was a miscarriage, but showed no reason as to why, which is supposed to be a good thing. I'm free to try again, but I'm now dealing with the intense fear of having another miscarriage. I don't want to go through that again... the pain is too intense.
I've now spent 5 months off medication that I need in order to try to have a baby.... and I feel like a failure. I know I need that medication.... trust me, everyone around me knows I need it! I know I should throw in the towel, but I can't bring myself to do it. I got pregnant. I had a miscarriage. I know what it's like to feel like you've lost everything. But I did get pregnant.... so I know it's possible. I'm dangling by what at this point, feels like a thread, but I'm too thick headed to give up. I feel like if I give up now, the last 5 months have been nothing but a waste of time. I'm so stressed out and so emotionally drained I can't think straight. I want another child. I want my son to have a sibling. But how far am I willing to sink into this depression before I realize I need to give in? All I want to do is sleep. I can easily sleep 9-10 hours a night and still be exhausted. I know from previous deep depressions, that sleep is one thing that has always been a comfort to me.
I know I need to do what's best for my husband and for the child I do have. They deserve to have the best of me, which at this point, I can't give them. It makes me sad in all aspects. I'm so sunk right now that I just keep hoping things will make some miraculous turn around.... which is highly unlikely. I just continue to watch myself sink deeper and deeper...
That's supposed to be me.
I'm supposed to be pregnant with my May baby. I'm supposed to be happy. My son is supposed to have a sibling. I think about that baby....
EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKING. DAY.
Just because I'm not crying 24/7 or talk about it doesn't mean I'm not sad. I'm devastated. I never thought this would happen to me. I had testing done which proved it was a miscarriage, but showed no reason as to why, which is supposed to be a good thing. I'm free to try again, but I'm now dealing with the intense fear of having another miscarriage. I don't want to go through that again... the pain is too intense.
I've now spent 5 months off medication that I need in order to try to have a baby.... and I feel like a failure. I know I need that medication.... trust me, everyone around me knows I need it! I know I should throw in the towel, but I can't bring myself to do it. I got pregnant. I had a miscarriage. I know what it's like to feel like you've lost everything. But I did get pregnant.... so I know it's possible. I'm dangling by what at this point, feels like a thread, but I'm too thick headed to give up. I feel like if I give up now, the last 5 months have been nothing but a waste of time. I'm so stressed out and so emotionally drained I can't think straight. I want another child. I want my son to have a sibling. But how far am I willing to sink into this depression before I realize I need to give in? All I want to do is sleep. I can easily sleep 9-10 hours a night and still be exhausted. I know from previous deep depressions, that sleep is one thing that has always been a comfort to me.
I know I need to do what's best for my husband and for the child I do have. They deserve to have the best of me, which at this point, I can't give them. It makes me sad in all aspects. I'm so sunk right now that I just keep hoping things will make some miraculous turn around.... which is highly unlikely. I just continue to watch myself sink deeper and deeper...
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
The worst kind of pain is when you're smiling just to stop the tears from falling.
1 in 5. 20%.
That's how many pregnancies end in miscarriage.
I never thought I would be in that category. I never knew it was possible to hurt so much that my heart literally feels broken into a million pieces.
For those several days I thought #2 was on the way, I was ecstatic. I even took 3 tests, just to be sure. I felt like everything was finally falling into place, I was about to have everything I ever wanted. My son was going to be a big brother. I was online hunting down stuff for my ocean themed nursery that I just had to have. I told my closest friends. We made so many plans for the future.
And then it all came crashing down.
Like a ton of bricks.
"1 in 5 people miscarry. It isn't anything you did wrong. Unfortunately, this happens".
I knew something was wrong, but to actually hear it is a totally different story. I just sat there fighting back tears while trying to process it all. After I left, I spent a lot of time crying. Life around me goes on while I'm just existing, trying to grieve what I've lost. I don't know where to go from here. A part of me is just gone.
One of my friends told me earlier she knows there's nothing she can say or do to ease my pain right now. Honestly, she's right. There isn't anything anyone can say or do to make it all just go away... I wish it were that easy. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to move forward. I'm trying to keep busy, but avoiding it isn't doing me any favors either. I wanted this baby so badly, I can't pretend that I'm not hurting to the extreme. I can't pretend it never happened. I tell myself that eventually there will just be no more tears to cry, that I will eventually cry myself out. I've been told time heals pain. Not sure how much truth there is in that, as the wound is still so fresh.
There is also that part of me that is angry. I was always a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, however that line is bullshit to me at this point. There is no good in this. I went off medication I know I need to do this... I've spent months just keeping my head above water... because it was worth it to me. Why did this have to happen to me? It's like everything is back to square one.
Now I'm just a statistic... in the one category I never wanted to be in.
That's how many pregnancies end in miscarriage.
I never thought I would be in that category. I never knew it was possible to hurt so much that my heart literally feels broken into a million pieces.
For those several days I thought #2 was on the way, I was ecstatic. I even took 3 tests, just to be sure. I felt like everything was finally falling into place, I was about to have everything I ever wanted. My son was going to be a big brother. I was online hunting down stuff for my ocean themed nursery that I just had to have. I told my closest friends. We made so many plans for the future.
And then it all came crashing down.
Like a ton of bricks.
"1 in 5 people miscarry. It isn't anything you did wrong. Unfortunately, this happens".
I knew something was wrong, but to actually hear it is a totally different story. I just sat there fighting back tears while trying to process it all. After I left, I spent a lot of time crying. Life around me goes on while I'm just existing, trying to grieve what I've lost. I don't know where to go from here. A part of me is just gone.
One of my friends told me earlier she knows there's nothing she can say or do to ease my pain right now. Honestly, she's right. There isn't anything anyone can say or do to make it all just go away... I wish it were that easy. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to move forward. I'm trying to keep busy, but avoiding it isn't doing me any favors either. I wanted this baby so badly, I can't pretend that I'm not hurting to the extreme. I can't pretend it never happened. I tell myself that eventually there will just be no more tears to cry, that I will eventually cry myself out. I've been told time heals pain. Not sure how much truth there is in that, as the wound is still so fresh.
There is also that part of me that is angry. I was always a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, however that line is bullshit to me at this point. There is no good in this. I went off medication I know I need to do this... I've spent months just keeping my head above water... because it was worth it to me. Why did this have to happen to me? It's like everything is back to square one.
Now I'm just a statistic... in the one category I never wanted to be in.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it, and hold on.
It's been 5 months since my last blog. I was doing so much better, I feel like I made a complete turnaround, to the point where a few months ago my husband and I decided we wanted to have another baby. It wasn't an overnight decision, we put alot of thought into it before moving forward, because that meant I would have to come off the one medication that really works for me, and I wasn't sure if I would be able to function without it. I weaned off it faster then recommended, but still safely. Of the 4 medications I was taking, I now only have one. How am I functioning? Worse than I hoped but pretty much what I expected. I've learned I really do need medications, mine really do work for me. However, I knew coming off them was a risk, but for me it was worth it.
But I also knew there was a chance I wouldn't be able to function without it and that I would have to throw in the towel and accept that I would only have 1 child. That is becoming more of a reality that I thought, since the last few months we've been unsuccessful. I'm not at the end of my rope yet, but I can feel myself declining. It's hard because I know how good I felt while I was taking it, and to know that I could feel better than I do quite honestly, sucks. I want this to happen for me. I want my son to have a sibling. I have a room theme picked, we have names picked, and I'm so hellbent on NOT finding out the gender ahead of time... I love the thought of being surprised. I honestly have no preference to a girl or another boy... just a healthy baby. Although another boy would be a million times cheaper!
It's hard to not be excited, because it's what I want, but I feel there is that part of me that has to accept there is a good chance this isn't going to happen for me. I don't know how much longer of a time table I have. It TERRIFIES me that I might reach the end of my rope and have to walk away from it. I don't want it to come to that. It took me awhile to get pregnant the first time, and I don't know I can wait that long this time around. It scares me to not know. I hate talking about it, I hate thinking about it, but I also can't act like its not eating away at me on a consistent basis. Just the thought of it not happening puts me in tears. I don't know how I will be if it comes to that.
Today has just been a particularly rough day, and on days like this everything feels 100x worse. Although it may not seem that way, I'm trying very hard to not be pessimistic. I know it hasn't been that long, but let me say when you need medication to function fully, time feels like an eternity. These last few months have felt like a year. All I want to do is sleep. I've gained back a lot of the weight I lost and am no longer comfortable in my own skin, which I know is also contributing to the depression. I hate looking in the mirror. My anxiety is at an all time high most of the time. Everything irritates me.
I'm hoping I can keep it together long enough to get pregnant....and then at least I know I have 9 months till I get to hold that little bundle and get my medication back. Only time will tell. Until then, I will try my best to keep holding on...
But I also knew there was a chance I wouldn't be able to function without it and that I would have to throw in the towel and accept that I would only have 1 child. That is becoming more of a reality that I thought, since the last few months we've been unsuccessful. I'm not at the end of my rope yet, but I can feel myself declining. It's hard because I know how good I felt while I was taking it, and to know that I could feel better than I do quite honestly, sucks. I want this to happen for me. I want my son to have a sibling. I have a room theme picked, we have names picked, and I'm so hellbent on NOT finding out the gender ahead of time... I love the thought of being surprised. I honestly have no preference to a girl or another boy... just a healthy baby. Although another boy would be a million times cheaper!
It's hard to not be excited, because it's what I want, but I feel there is that part of me that has to accept there is a good chance this isn't going to happen for me. I don't know how much longer of a time table I have. It TERRIFIES me that I might reach the end of my rope and have to walk away from it. I don't want it to come to that. It took me awhile to get pregnant the first time, and I don't know I can wait that long this time around. It scares me to not know. I hate talking about it, I hate thinking about it, but I also can't act like its not eating away at me on a consistent basis. Just the thought of it not happening puts me in tears. I don't know how I will be if it comes to that.
Today has just been a particularly rough day, and on days like this everything feels 100x worse. Although it may not seem that way, I'm trying very hard to not be pessimistic. I know it hasn't been that long, but let me say when you need medication to function fully, time feels like an eternity. These last few months have felt like a year. All I want to do is sleep. I've gained back a lot of the weight I lost and am no longer comfortable in my own skin, which I know is also contributing to the depression. I hate looking in the mirror. My anxiety is at an all time high most of the time. Everything irritates me.
I'm hoping I can keep it together long enough to get pregnant....and then at least I know I have 9 months till I get to hold that little bundle and get my medication back. Only time will tell. Until then, I will try my best to keep holding on...
Friday, March 21, 2014
Remember; whatever happens, happens for a reason
It's been awhile since my last one. Last week my childhood dog had to be put to sleep after 14 years with her. Losing her has been extremely hard for me... adjusting to life without someone who has been a part of me since I was 17 is definitely not easy. I'm just trying my best to cope with it at this point, because that's all I can do.... but I know I will never ever be the same again. I didn't even get to say goodbye to her or see her one last time... because my parents didn't call me until a half hour before they put her down. I'd be lying if I said that didn't piss me off. I wanted to see her one last time. I am so sad and miss her so much. But honestly, she was suffering, and it wasn't fair to her anymore. She had really bad arthritis and had a very hard time walking and laying down/getting up. She had a good long 15 years of life. RIP Callie, I will love you forever.
One thing I've noticed about myself that I didn't really pay attention to until today, is that I feel much more mellowed. Things that I think should be earth shattering for me aren't at all. I've had to distance myself a bit from two important very people in my life... by choice. It bothered me, but didn't leave me upset like I thought it would.
One was because I couldn't take the lecturing and criticism anymore. I understand I need people to be hard on me sometimes. I need to be told how it is. However, to be called selfish and be lectured what was starting to feel like every single day was not helping me. If anything, it was making me feel worse. I don't need to be told what I'm doing is wrong on a consistent basis. She is a huge part of my life, but I had to take a step back... for myself. It isn't what I wanted to have to do, but it's definitely what is best right now.
The other is simply because she is toxic for me. I've been friends with her since I was 12 and we have been thru so much together... but she also has a lot of issues herself and ultimately we are actually toxic for each other. We have always been there for each other through all of our struggles... but she is also the type of person that drops in and out of my life at her convenience, and I just can't have that anymore. I hate that this is what I had to do, but I had to do it in order to move forward in recovery. This isn't a part of my life I can have her be in. I cannot help her with her struggles while trying to overcome my own. For me, she's like a weight.
I feel like I should be distraught over this... but oddly I'm not. It bothers me, but I haven't dwelled on it or cried about it. A part of me thinks it may be because I have brought some very positive people in....and that's what I need. Writing that blog and sending it out was a huge risk for me.... but it also brought someone back into my life that I didn't realize how much I'd missed until then.
Most people know I've had zero guidance in life.... so there's nothing more comforting than having someone who would do anything in the world for me. Someone who tells me she loves me every day, because she doesn't ever want me to think for a second that she doesn't. She's known me for half of my life, and wants nothing more than to see me happy and wishes she could just fix it. To her I will always be her "little baby girl", which makes me feel like I'm 5, but at the same time it's comforting knowing how much she loves me and just wants to protect me.... and I've never had either of those. For me, it's having big sister/mom/friend all rolled into one. I hate that we had so many years apart and that it took sending out that first blog for this to happen.... but better late than never. Everything happens for a reason, and I don't think either of us are letting each other go this time!
So as much as a part of me feels like my medication isn't working, maybe it's actually just mellowing me out and I'm learning what I need in my life... and what I don't. When it comes to people, I feel like I've closed one chapter and opened another.... definitely a good thing. As much as I feel depressed... I know it won't last forever. I've had so many changes in my life the last few months I think I am just struggling to adjust and trying to figure out where to go next.
Have I still been weighing myself every day? Most of them. Do I like what I see? Not at all. I'm struggling with that really bad right now because at this moment I don't feel skinny. Someone actually told me the other day I looked better with a little more weight on me. I wanted to throw something because that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I know I have gained a little weight back... and I am not okay with that at all... It bothers me to look in the mirror because I can see where the weight is. See, I'm sure it sounds weird, but I have never eaten like a "normal" person. I've always eaten everything or pretty much nothing.... because obviously if I was full I would purge... and eating just cereal... well that's nothing. I was never taught to eat normal... it's always been this way for me. This is one of the hardest things for me to learn and try to teach myself. I keep trying to tell myself I am a work in progress... this is not going to happen overnight.... I am not going to wake up tomorrow "cured".
The hardest thing about anyone with an eating disorder... we cannot accept anything less than perfection. Yet I myself need to accept the fact that I will never be perfect... and that there's nothing wrong with that.... because no one is.
One thing I've noticed about myself that I didn't really pay attention to until today, is that I feel much more mellowed. Things that I think should be earth shattering for me aren't at all. I've had to distance myself a bit from two important very people in my life... by choice. It bothered me, but didn't leave me upset like I thought it would.
One was because I couldn't take the lecturing and criticism anymore. I understand I need people to be hard on me sometimes. I need to be told how it is. However, to be called selfish and be lectured what was starting to feel like every single day was not helping me. If anything, it was making me feel worse. I don't need to be told what I'm doing is wrong on a consistent basis. She is a huge part of my life, but I had to take a step back... for myself. It isn't what I wanted to have to do, but it's definitely what is best right now.
The other is simply because she is toxic for me. I've been friends with her since I was 12 and we have been thru so much together... but she also has a lot of issues herself and ultimately we are actually toxic for each other. We have always been there for each other through all of our struggles... but she is also the type of person that drops in and out of my life at her convenience, and I just can't have that anymore. I hate that this is what I had to do, but I had to do it in order to move forward in recovery. This isn't a part of my life I can have her be in. I cannot help her with her struggles while trying to overcome my own. For me, she's like a weight.
I feel like I should be distraught over this... but oddly I'm not. It bothers me, but I haven't dwelled on it or cried about it. A part of me thinks it may be because I have brought some very positive people in....and that's what I need. Writing that blog and sending it out was a huge risk for me.... but it also brought someone back into my life that I didn't realize how much I'd missed until then.
Most people know I've had zero guidance in life.... so there's nothing more comforting than having someone who would do anything in the world for me. Someone who tells me she loves me every day, because she doesn't ever want me to think for a second that she doesn't. She's known me for half of my life, and wants nothing more than to see me happy and wishes she could just fix it. To her I will always be her "little baby girl", which makes me feel like I'm 5, but at the same time it's comforting knowing how much she loves me and just wants to protect me.... and I've never had either of those. For me, it's having big sister/mom/friend all rolled into one. I hate that we had so many years apart and that it took sending out that first blog for this to happen.... but better late than never. Everything happens for a reason, and I don't think either of us are letting each other go this time!
So as much as a part of me feels like my medication isn't working, maybe it's actually just mellowing me out and I'm learning what I need in my life... and what I don't. When it comes to people, I feel like I've closed one chapter and opened another.... definitely a good thing. As much as I feel depressed... I know it won't last forever. I've had so many changes in my life the last few months I think I am just struggling to adjust and trying to figure out where to go next.
Have I still been weighing myself every day? Most of them. Do I like what I see? Not at all. I'm struggling with that really bad right now because at this moment I don't feel skinny. Someone actually told me the other day I looked better with a little more weight on me. I wanted to throw something because that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I know I have gained a little weight back... and I am not okay with that at all... It bothers me to look in the mirror because I can see where the weight is. See, I'm sure it sounds weird, but I have never eaten like a "normal" person. I've always eaten everything or pretty much nothing.... because obviously if I was full I would purge... and eating just cereal... well that's nothing. I was never taught to eat normal... it's always been this way for me. This is one of the hardest things for me to learn and try to teach myself. I keep trying to tell myself I am a work in progress... this is not going to happen overnight.... I am not going to wake up tomorrow "cured".
The hardest thing about anyone with an eating disorder... we cannot accept anything less than perfection. Yet I myself need to accept the fact that I will never be perfect... and that there's nothing wrong with that.... because no one is.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Sometimes we put up walls. Not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down.
I haven't always been a guarded person. I actually was the complete opposite till I was a teenager. But when I was 10, my uncle passed away in a motorcycle accident. I was traumatized from it, mainly because it was the first person close to me that died, and I was very close to him, and I felt like he had left me. After that, for whatever reason, I found myself attaching to everyone around me, and was like that for a few years. When I was 13 my aunt moved away... and I felt like I was left again. That was also around the same I started purging... and I had a few friends rat me out to one of our teachers for that. That's when I started questioning who I could and couldn't trust.
When I started high school, I was still feeling the same way. One of my friends caught me purging and told one of our teachers.. so once again I was questioning everything. By the time I was 16, I was done. I was so deep in depression, I didn't want to let anyone in, and I started really isolating myself. When I started dating my ex boyfriend right before senior year ( who also knew I had eating disorder issues), I was a little better because I was in a great relationship at the time, and I had a few friends I loved being with.
When I graduated high school I spent almost all my time with my boyfriend whenever I wasn't at work, even though we spent most of our time fighting. I still had a few close friends but we spent less and less time together as I continued to spend more and more time with him. There was one friend I still spent time with, which was definitely a good thing, but other than her and my boyfriend I was almost never with anyone else, and I was def attached and trusted both of them completely, or so I thought.
I tried so hard to make our relationship work, I didn't ever want to be with anyone else... I think it was the whole first love thing for both of us.
Most people don't know that my ex boyfriend was a cutter.... which I didn't know for a long time. He had had issues with it a lot in the past, and had told me about a year and a half into our relationship. My trust issues came into the picture again, as I wondered we he lied to me about it all that time. He had cut himself a few times in our relationship but said it was because his parents would stress him out (true story). 2 years into our relationship the fighting just got worse and worse, we were breaking up and getting back together every other day. I decided I wanted to break up with him (for real) because I just couldn't do it anymore. Well I did break it off... or tried to. I went to his house after I had told him I thought we would be better off apart... and there he was his arm all cut up. He said it was my fault that I made him do it, that he couldn't be without me. So me being 19, I felt like I had to stay with him and make it work, because I did love him still. 4 months after that, I started questioning if I was still in love with him. I couldn't even stand him being near me, I didn't even want him kissing me. However I stuck it out for 3 more months then I had to end it. 2 days before we broke up, I kissed someone else (now my husband), and right then and there I knew I wanted to be with him. So I admitted it to my ex. He told me it was either him or my husband, that I couldn't have both. Well, we know what choice I made. The next day he came while I was at work and dumped all my stuff on top of my car, and that was it.
However he would still go to my house when I wasn't home to see my parents and my dog (creepy I thought). He showed up on Easter for dinner because my parents had invited him yet never bothered asking me. A few weeks after that, when my husband and I were officially together, I stupidly called him and told him, mainly because I didn't want him hearing it from thru the grapevine. He yelled and hung up on me and we didn't speak for weeks... however we were in a wedding together which was awkward, and he drove me home from it in complete silence. That was pretty much the last time I spoke to him.... however he did admit to me that he never wanted to get married or have kids, that he had made that decision awhile back... yet LIED to me early on that that was what he wanted. So glad I walked away. However people who know who he is know I have to see him on a consistent basis... and he wont even look in my direction still, 11 years later.
My husband and I had a hard beginning, and I had a lot of trust issues having come out of an almost 3 year relationship. I struggled trying to build a trusting relationship with him, but once I did things were great. Then we he broke up with me a year later, all my trust issues came back into play. I didn't know what to think or feel. We got back together a few months later and things went back to the way they had been, like we had never been apart. However, I did always have the fear of him breaking up with me again, and didn't completely trust him. It took another year for me to get past that, when we moved in together. Once we bought our house, I knew it was a done deal :)
I was so happy again, hanging out with my best friend all the time, and made a few new friends that we hung out with. I was hesitant, because with friendship becomes trust.... and I wasn't ready to trust anyone else, having been thru everything I had. However, I slowly started letting my guard down, cause I was sure I wasn't going to get hurt. I knew they were different. Once I had my worst relapse in 2008, I turned to them. I realized then I had some amazing friends. After my best friend moved away, I was still ok because I had them. Well a year later... I had a falling out with all of them... and my best friend was the only left out of them all. At the time I was so upset, however now I look back and say it was one of the best things that ever happened, and I have no regrets. I had thought I had finally gotten to a place where I trusted people... and I was wrong. Well that was my breaking point. I stayed inside my bubble and didn't let anyone in and put every wall possible up. Almost every person I had ever let in had left me, so I decided I was never going to open up to anyone again.
However, it was then I realized throughout my whole life, I was never able to build a 100% trusting relationship with ANYONE. Even the people I had trusted I had never let my guard down completely, which I think stems from my childhood. I wanted to be able to form that relationship with someone, no matter how scary it was, because I wanted to know what it was like to be completely open and have absolutely no fear. That was one of the main reasons I started seeing my therapist... because I knew I needed to let every little part of me out, I needed that 100% trust, I needed to be fearless. I knew if I couldn't build that relationship with a therapist I would never be able to do it. Well, I'm proud to say that I have.... and it's one of the most amazing feelings ever, to throw it all out there with no fear of judgment. It's such a relief to have no secrets!
But I am still a very guarded person to the rest of the world... I still have a lot of walls up. Writing my first blog and putting it out there... a huge step for me to let that wall down, but it felt great to not have to live in the bubble alone anymore, and I have no regrets! And I think after everything I've been thru I have become a very good judge of character now and I feel people out for a long time before deciding if they're safe. I have a few people who have taken down some walls for me and I have started to open up to and it feels good and I feel like I might be starting to trust again.... however I still don't want to get close to anyone with the fear that they are just going to leave me.... because there are no guarantees. I feel like now I have been too open and need to go back in my shell where I know it's safe and I can protect myself... I need to put some walls back up because the fear is too much for me. It's not a matter of wanting to keep people out or not trusting, its more about who I can let knock them down without the fear of getting hurt. When I open up too much the fear kicks back in and I start to pull away because that's just a natural defense for me. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to not. It's not about anyone else, I know I have so many people to support me and be there and I'm thankful for that... so I'm hoping this will get easier for me. Just bear with me :)
When I started high school, I was still feeling the same way. One of my friends caught me purging and told one of our teachers.. so once again I was questioning everything. By the time I was 16, I was done. I was so deep in depression, I didn't want to let anyone in, and I started really isolating myself. When I started dating my ex boyfriend right before senior year ( who also knew I had eating disorder issues), I was a little better because I was in a great relationship at the time, and I had a few friends I loved being with.
When I graduated high school I spent almost all my time with my boyfriend whenever I wasn't at work, even though we spent most of our time fighting. I still had a few close friends but we spent less and less time together as I continued to spend more and more time with him. There was one friend I still spent time with, which was definitely a good thing, but other than her and my boyfriend I was almost never with anyone else, and I was def attached and trusted both of them completely, or so I thought.
I tried so hard to make our relationship work, I didn't ever want to be with anyone else... I think it was the whole first love thing for both of us.
Most people don't know that my ex boyfriend was a cutter.... which I didn't know for a long time. He had had issues with it a lot in the past, and had told me about a year and a half into our relationship. My trust issues came into the picture again, as I wondered we he lied to me about it all that time. He had cut himself a few times in our relationship but said it was because his parents would stress him out (true story). 2 years into our relationship the fighting just got worse and worse, we were breaking up and getting back together every other day. I decided I wanted to break up with him (for real) because I just couldn't do it anymore. Well I did break it off... or tried to. I went to his house after I had told him I thought we would be better off apart... and there he was his arm all cut up. He said it was my fault that I made him do it, that he couldn't be without me. So me being 19, I felt like I had to stay with him and make it work, because I did love him still. 4 months after that, I started questioning if I was still in love with him. I couldn't even stand him being near me, I didn't even want him kissing me. However I stuck it out for 3 more months then I had to end it. 2 days before we broke up, I kissed someone else (now my husband), and right then and there I knew I wanted to be with him. So I admitted it to my ex. He told me it was either him or my husband, that I couldn't have both. Well, we know what choice I made. The next day he came while I was at work and dumped all my stuff on top of my car, and that was it.
However he would still go to my house when I wasn't home to see my parents and my dog (creepy I thought). He showed up on Easter for dinner because my parents had invited him yet never bothered asking me. A few weeks after that, when my husband and I were officially together, I stupidly called him and told him, mainly because I didn't want him hearing it from thru the grapevine. He yelled and hung up on me and we didn't speak for weeks... however we were in a wedding together which was awkward, and he drove me home from it in complete silence. That was pretty much the last time I spoke to him.... however he did admit to me that he never wanted to get married or have kids, that he had made that decision awhile back... yet LIED to me early on that that was what he wanted. So glad I walked away. However people who know who he is know I have to see him on a consistent basis... and he wont even look in my direction still, 11 years later.
My husband and I had a hard beginning, and I had a lot of trust issues having come out of an almost 3 year relationship. I struggled trying to build a trusting relationship with him, but once I did things were great. Then we he broke up with me a year later, all my trust issues came back into play. I didn't know what to think or feel. We got back together a few months later and things went back to the way they had been, like we had never been apart. However, I did always have the fear of him breaking up with me again, and didn't completely trust him. It took another year for me to get past that, when we moved in together. Once we bought our house, I knew it was a done deal :)
I was so happy again, hanging out with my best friend all the time, and made a few new friends that we hung out with. I was hesitant, because with friendship becomes trust.... and I wasn't ready to trust anyone else, having been thru everything I had. However, I slowly started letting my guard down, cause I was sure I wasn't going to get hurt. I knew they were different. Once I had my worst relapse in 2008, I turned to them. I realized then I had some amazing friends. After my best friend moved away, I was still ok because I had them. Well a year later... I had a falling out with all of them... and my best friend was the only left out of them all. At the time I was so upset, however now I look back and say it was one of the best things that ever happened, and I have no regrets. I had thought I had finally gotten to a place where I trusted people... and I was wrong. Well that was my breaking point. I stayed inside my bubble and didn't let anyone in and put every wall possible up. Almost every person I had ever let in had left me, so I decided I was never going to open up to anyone again.
However, it was then I realized throughout my whole life, I was never able to build a 100% trusting relationship with ANYONE. Even the people I had trusted I had never let my guard down completely, which I think stems from my childhood. I wanted to be able to form that relationship with someone, no matter how scary it was, because I wanted to know what it was like to be completely open and have absolutely no fear. That was one of the main reasons I started seeing my therapist... because I knew I needed to let every little part of me out, I needed that 100% trust, I needed to be fearless. I knew if I couldn't build that relationship with a therapist I would never be able to do it. Well, I'm proud to say that I have.... and it's one of the most amazing feelings ever, to throw it all out there with no fear of judgment. It's such a relief to have no secrets!
But I am still a very guarded person to the rest of the world... I still have a lot of walls up. Writing my first blog and putting it out there... a huge step for me to let that wall down, but it felt great to not have to live in the bubble alone anymore, and I have no regrets! And I think after everything I've been thru I have become a very good judge of character now and I feel people out for a long time before deciding if they're safe. I have a few people who have taken down some walls for me and I have started to open up to and it feels good and I feel like I might be starting to trust again.... however I still don't want to get close to anyone with the fear that they are just going to leave me.... because there are no guarantees. I feel like now I have been too open and need to go back in my shell where I know it's safe and I can protect myself... I need to put some walls back up because the fear is too much for me. It's not a matter of wanting to keep people out or not trusting, its more about who I can let knock them down without the fear of getting hurt. When I open up too much the fear kicks back in and I start to pull away because that's just a natural defense for me. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to not. It's not about anyone else, I know I have so many people to support me and be there and I'm thankful for that... so I'm hoping this will get easier for me. Just bear with me :)
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
The hardest thing about "Everything happens for a reason" is waiting for that reason to come along.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I look at some of the worst things that have happened to me, yet in some way, something good has come out of all of them. I'm hoping the same rings true this time as well, even though I have no idea what the reason could be.
The last several days haven't been very good. On a day like today, I'd say I'm not fixable, that this is always going to be my life. That I'm always going to have a weight obsession, that if I'm not under 130 lbs I will always feel like my world is ending. I FEEL the weight coming back on and I can't handle that... it makes me feel like I'm failing, and I can feel my jeans getting tighter... and I am NOT going up a pant size again because I'm in the size I've always wanted. I NEED to be skinny. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry. The last few days haven't been good. I just want someone to hug me, play with my hair (most people know that's the most soothing thing to me), and tell me that this really is going to be okay, and let me cry it out... because I don't know that it is. I'm scared that this is the rest of my life... but at the same time I'm scared that it won't be. I want things to be different, but thinking that way is hard. This is the only life I know. I don't know what it's like to not have an eating disorder... and I don't know that I can let them go right now because I feel like I still need them, I need my security blanket, I need to feel protected. I NEED them to make me happy because when I'm skinny I'm happy. I feel like I'm so far out of my comfort zone right now that I NEED to go back in my shell.
Maybe I am moving way too fast and that's why I'm feeling this way. I just know I don't feel ok and I feel overwhelmed with everything I am surrounded by. Maybe I put way too much out in the open... I don't even know right now. I'm depressed, I'm exhausted, and my mind is racing a million miles an hour.
I have eaten a lot over the past week which was a really stupid move. It feels like there are rocks in my stomach and I can't take that feeling just sitting in me. It has taken every ounce of willpower I have in me not to try and purge, even though I don't think my body can anymore. But I need that feeling of relief that no other coping skill can fill the void of. I'm lost.
Growing up my fairytale was to be a writer, get married (on the beach), buy a house, and have 4 perfect children, 3 boys and 1 girl. However, life is not a fairytale.... and I obviously didn't know how much kids cost, or the amount of work they are!
As much as I feel at a crossroad right now, and don't know where things are going and what's going to happen, I realize in a lot of ways I have accomplished a lot. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I moved in together when I was 22, and at first I didn't want to leave home... it took almost a full year before I was 100% moved in.. but after that it was great! I loved that I could do whatever I wanted without my parents questioning everything. I loved the freedom. When I was 24 we bought our house... one of the best days ever! Even though we don't have nearly as much space as I wanted, I love love love my house, and am so proud that we did it on our own. I got married at 26, and of course I had always wanted to get married on the beach, in the fall. So we went to the Bahamas... and got married on the beach... in September... just like I always wanted! And of course, the best thing came last... when I was 28, I had my beautiful baby boy. Notice something monumental happened every 2 years? Well when I turned 30 last year... that was monumental enough for me!
So even though I'm not where I want to be, I have come a long way, and I'm not that 14 year old girl anymore. I work 2 jobs, have my own house, a hardworking husband, and an amazing 2 yr old son. I'm not the person I was, and I'm not the person I want to be.... but I think I'm somehow on my way there.
However, if someone had told me I would be Bipolar (amongst all the other things), and battle eating disorders at 30, I would have laughed. Cause I never thought these things would happen to me. We all see and hear things and think, that's never going to happen to me... until it does. Then there's the million dollar question... Why did this happen to me??
It's so hard to look at all these positive things when you're in a deep depression... it's hard to see anything else but darkness sometimes. As awful as I feel right now, I'm trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason.....and hopefully I won't have to wait forever for it.
The last several days haven't been very good. On a day like today, I'd say I'm not fixable, that this is always going to be my life. That I'm always going to have a weight obsession, that if I'm not under 130 lbs I will always feel like my world is ending. I FEEL the weight coming back on and I can't handle that... it makes me feel like I'm failing, and I can feel my jeans getting tighter... and I am NOT going up a pant size again because I'm in the size I've always wanted. I NEED to be skinny. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry. The last few days haven't been good. I just want someone to hug me, play with my hair (most people know that's the most soothing thing to me), and tell me that this really is going to be okay, and let me cry it out... because I don't know that it is. I'm scared that this is the rest of my life... but at the same time I'm scared that it won't be. I want things to be different, but thinking that way is hard. This is the only life I know. I don't know what it's like to not have an eating disorder... and I don't know that I can let them go right now because I feel like I still need them, I need my security blanket, I need to feel protected. I NEED them to make me happy because when I'm skinny I'm happy. I feel like I'm so far out of my comfort zone right now that I NEED to go back in my shell.
Maybe I am moving way too fast and that's why I'm feeling this way. I just know I don't feel ok and I feel overwhelmed with everything I am surrounded by. Maybe I put way too much out in the open... I don't even know right now. I'm depressed, I'm exhausted, and my mind is racing a million miles an hour.
I have eaten a lot over the past week which was a really stupid move. It feels like there are rocks in my stomach and I can't take that feeling just sitting in me. It has taken every ounce of willpower I have in me not to try and purge, even though I don't think my body can anymore. But I need that feeling of relief that no other coping skill can fill the void of. I'm lost.
Growing up my fairytale was to be a writer, get married (on the beach), buy a house, and have 4 perfect children, 3 boys and 1 girl. However, life is not a fairytale.... and I obviously didn't know how much kids cost, or the amount of work they are!
As much as I feel at a crossroad right now, and don't know where things are going and what's going to happen, I realize in a lot of ways I have accomplished a lot. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I moved in together when I was 22, and at first I didn't want to leave home... it took almost a full year before I was 100% moved in.. but after that it was great! I loved that I could do whatever I wanted without my parents questioning everything. I loved the freedom. When I was 24 we bought our house... one of the best days ever! Even though we don't have nearly as much space as I wanted, I love love love my house, and am so proud that we did it on our own. I got married at 26, and of course I had always wanted to get married on the beach, in the fall. So we went to the Bahamas... and got married on the beach... in September... just like I always wanted! And of course, the best thing came last... when I was 28, I had my beautiful baby boy. Notice something monumental happened every 2 years? Well when I turned 30 last year... that was monumental enough for me!
So even though I'm not where I want to be, I have come a long way, and I'm not that 14 year old girl anymore. I work 2 jobs, have my own house, a hardworking husband, and an amazing 2 yr old son. I'm not the person I was, and I'm not the person I want to be.... but I think I'm somehow on my way there.
However, if someone had told me I would be Bipolar (amongst all the other things), and battle eating disorders at 30, I would have laughed. Cause I never thought these things would happen to me. We all see and hear things and think, that's never going to happen to me... until it does. Then there's the million dollar question... Why did this happen to me??
It's so hard to look at all these positive things when you're in a deep depression... it's hard to see anything else but darkness sometimes. As awful as I feel right now, I'm trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason.....and hopefully I won't have to wait forever for it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)