Bump in the Road

I know I can't expect every therapy session to go well... it's just like a relationship... there are going to be struggles and nothing is perfect.  Today was the first time I have ever left therapy and not felt better afterwards.  I know my therapist is not a miracle worker, and I can't expect things to change overnight, but I'm really frustrated right now.  I just want to cry because I feel like the only person that can help me at this point couldn't today, and I feel helpless.  I feel like today was a huge step backward and I hate it.  I know its normal to go through this and I hope next week we can work on it again and fix it, because I do not feel okay at all right now with the way things are.  I know she is trying her hardest to help me, and when I shut down, it is frustrating for both of us, but I think a lot of it is now we are diving into things I really never wanted anyone to know.  And for the first time I feel like talking made me feel worse, but I know I will never stop hurting unless I let it out and attempt to deal with it.  I know I will never get anywhere unless I let her in 100 %, and though I trust her completely, it's still overwhelming that eventually she will know every last little detail about me.  I think I just need to relax and think through all my emotions for a few days and see how I feel then.  But I also tell myself a bump in the road does not mean the end of it..... its just more like a detour.

I'm slowly getting there....

I've been laying low for a few weeks, just haven't really been in the mood to write.  A lot has happened since then.... I have reached the point where I trust my therapist 100% which is huge for me.  I have never trusted anyone 100% in my entire life, ever!  It's an absolutely amazing feeling knowing I can talk to her about absolutely anything and feel completely comfortable and not be at all scared... and it's also a huge relief that I'm not bottling everything up inside anymore... if I want to talk about it, I do.  This is exactly what I needed.  It's overwhelming to not have that fear there, but so rewarding in the same sense.  I'm starting to slowly see changes in myself, mostly while I'm at therapy.  I hope in time I can eventually develop that same trust relationship I have with her with my husband and my best friend.... but I'm not rushing myself on anything.... I will take baby steps forward if it means I won't take any steps backwards.  I have taken a few giant leaps forward over the last few weeks, and it really is amazing to look at where I started to now and I already see some great changes.  I know I have a long way to go, but am proud of how far I feel like I have come already.  Therapy is gonna be a part of my life for a long time, but I'm ok with that because of the bond I have formed with my therapist.... it's amazing how someone can really understand me... I've never had that either... I feel like I'm in a whole new world!  I know its not always going to be great, there are still obstacles that lie ahead of me, but I'm willing to work through it all at the pace I need to.  One step at a time, one day at a time.