Its been awhile....

Its been about 3 months since my last post, I haven't really been in the mood to write, which is unusual for me.  Over all, I have been doing a lot better, even though there have been several days in the past week where I feel like everything is falling apart.  I have been "sober" for 3 months.  Thats right, its been three months since I have purged and it feels amazing... it crossed my mind the other day for the first time in a long time, the feeling was so intense I wanted to just burst into tears and never stop... I felt like purging was the easiest solution,  but I couldn't bring myself to do it knowing I would be starting all over again, and that all my hard work would go down the drain.  I was able to fight it off with some help and make it through the rest of the day which is great, because I really didn't think I would be able to do it.  I tried my best to get through it on my own, but sometimes I just need a person to calm me down and just listen.  On December 22nd, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  It didn't surpise me, although dealing with it has proven to be harder then I thought it would be.  I go from extreme highs to extreme lows sometimes in a matter of hours, sometimes the moods last for days, sometimes its temporary.  Its scary because sometimes I don't know what causes them or how to fix them or what to do..... so how can anyone else help me??  I think the hardest thing for me is that only one person truly understands me... one.  I don't necessarily think thats a bad thing since before I had no one at all, but its frustrating because I feel like she is the only one who is comforting to me.  I wish my husband understood me better, I know he tries hard, but its frustrating for both of us... because I didn't ask to have this and neither did he.  I wish I had a better support system, I wish I knew what people could do for me so I wouldn't have to constantly push them away, but I'm human, and I don't always know what I need or who I need.   Its a learning process, from figuring out what foods aggravate it (chocolate is no longer in my diet), to what I can do to cope.  I have accepted the fact that I'm not going to wake up and be okay.  I will have this for the rest of my life, so its just figuring out what to do from here.  Bipolar has played a huge part in changing my diet and I've lost 10 lbs in 2 months which is amazing.  Exercise has also worked wonders, I usually do a mile a day on the treadmill if not more.  I'm a completely different person then I was 6 months ago.  I'm hopeful that as long as I continue to develop good coping skills I will be okay for the most part.  I'm always going to have days where I want to fall apart, but I know that I can't always control that.  Sometimes I have to just go with whatever happens, happens.