1 in 5. 20%.
That's how many pregnancies end in miscarriage.
I never thought I would be in that category. I never knew it was possible to hurt so much that my heart literally feels broken into a million pieces.
For those several days I thought #2 was on the way, I was ecstatic. I even took 3 tests, just to be sure. I felt like everything was finally falling into place, I was about to have everything I ever wanted. My son was going to be a big brother. I was online hunting down stuff for my ocean themed nursery that I just had to have. I told my closest friends. We made so many plans for the future.
And then it all came crashing down.
Like a ton of bricks.
"1 in 5 people miscarry. It isn't anything you did wrong. Unfortunately, this happens".
I knew something was wrong, but to actually hear it is a totally different story. I just sat there fighting back tears while trying to process it all. After I left, I spent a lot of time crying. Life around me goes on while I'm just existing, trying to grieve what I've lost. I don't know where to go from here. A part of me is just gone.
One of my friends told me earlier she knows there's nothing she can say or do to ease my pain right now. Honestly, she's right. There isn't anything anyone can say or do to make it all just go away... I wish it were that easy. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to move forward. I'm trying to keep busy, but avoiding it isn't doing me any favors either. I wanted this baby so badly, I can't pretend that I'm not hurting to the extreme. I can't pretend it never happened. I tell myself that eventually there will just be no more tears to cry, that I will eventually cry myself out. I've been told time heals pain. Not sure how much truth there is in that, as the wound is still so fresh.
There is also that part of me that is angry. I was always a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, however that line is bullshit to me at this point. There is no good in this. I went off medication I know I need to do this... I've spent months just keeping my head above water... because it was worth it to me. Why did this have to happen to me? It's like everything is back to square one.
Now I'm just a statistic... in the one category I never wanted to be in.
