I'm not OK. Being Bipolar, it's obviously a common occurrence to have ups and downs. Even with meds, I still struggle with mania and depression, but as time has passed I've become more leveled off.
However I'm currently on a severe low. I don't feel ok.... something just isn't right. And honestly I don't know what's wrong with me, which makes me feel worse. I feel Just straight depressed. I have no motivation for anything. I want to lay in bed or on my couch all day and sleep so I won't have to feel anything. I haven't cleaned my house, and I always have mounds of clothes in my basement that need to be folded, I constantly forget to pay bills. I just don't care about anything.
Last weekend I had a full on crazy anxiety attack. I've never experienced anything like that in my entire life, and I sure hope I never have to again. Chest pain and unable to breathe. It came out of nowhere and lasted over an hour. It took my best friend and my boss awhile to calm me down and luckily I was able to get anxiety meds from someone, and after taking them I was ok after about an hour. If that hadn't been an option, I'm pretty sure my best friend and I would have been sitting in the ER. And trust me that was the last thing I wanted. So grateful I was able to come down from that. Definitely the most scary experience ive ever had.
I feel like I'm just so isolated because I can't deal with anyone when I feel like this. I have trouble parenting, being a wife, and being a good friend when this happens. And that's really not me at all. I'm always the one to drop everything for anyone else, but when this happens I just can't, and that is heartbreaking for me.
When I'm in this mood I generally start to get angry. I didn't ask to have Bipolar or Anxiety. I didn't ask to be depressed or have ADHD. Yet I do. And when push comes to shove, I don't feel like I asked to have an eating disorder. Did I make the best decisions? Absolutely not. But now I have to spend the rest of my life paying the price. I put a recovery tattoo on my wrist earlier this year because I finally felt confident enough and had finally reach a point of never wanting to look back... and that that life wasn't for me anymore. However... I now feel myself heading in a direction that I swore I'd never resort back to... and I'm trying my hardest to not fall back into old habits. I feel like I'm standing on a thin line between falling and rising. And the last thing I want is to fall.... and have to admit I've yet again failed.
Everyone keeps telling me it gets better. However after weeks of feeling this way I'm becoming worse. Nothing is getting better. Nothing is becoming easier for me. I just wish I could figure out what was going on with me... so I could figure out where I have to go from here.
