It's been 5 months since my last blog. I was doing so much better, I feel like I made a complete turnaround, to the point where a few months ago my husband and I decided we wanted to have another baby. It wasn't an overnight decision, we put alot of thought into it before moving forward, because that meant I would have to come off the one medication that really works for me, and I wasn't sure if I would be able to function without it. I weaned off it faster then recommended, but still safely. Of the 4 medications I was taking, I now only have one. How am I functioning? Worse than I hoped but pretty much what I expected. I've learned I really do need medications, mine really do work for me. However, I knew coming off them was a risk, but for me it was worth it.
But I also knew there was a chance I wouldn't be able to function without it and that I would have to throw in the towel and accept that I would only have 1 child. That is becoming more of a reality that I thought, since the last few months we've been unsuccessful. I'm not at the end of my rope yet, but I can feel myself declining. It's hard because I know how good I felt while I was taking it, and to know that I could feel better than I do quite honestly, sucks. I want this to happen for me. I want my son to have a sibling. I have a room theme picked, we have names picked, and I'm so hellbent on NOT finding out the gender ahead of time... I love the thought of being surprised. I honestly have no preference to a girl or another boy... just a healthy baby. Although another boy would be a million times cheaper!
It's hard to not be excited, because it's what I want, but I feel there is that part of me that has to accept there is a good chance this isn't going to happen for me. I don't know how much longer of a time table I have. It TERRIFIES me that I might reach the end of my rope and have to walk away from it. I don't want it to come to that. It took me awhile to get pregnant the first time, and I don't know I can wait that long this time around. It scares me to not know. I hate talking about it, I hate thinking about it, but I also can't act like its not eating away at me on a consistent basis. Just the thought of it not happening puts me in tears. I don't know how I will be if it comes to that.
Today has just been a particularly rough day, and on days like this everything feels 100x worse. Although it may not seem that way, I'm trying very hard to not be pessimistic. I know it hasn't been that long, but let me say when you need medication to function fully, time feels like an eternity. These last few months have felt like a year. All I want to do is sleep. I've gained back a lot of the weight I lost and am no longer comfortable in my own skin, which I know is also contributing to the depression. I hate looking in the mirror. My anxiety is at an all time high most of the time. Everything irritates me.
I'm hoping I can keep it together long enough to get pregnant....and then at least I know I have 9 months till I get to hold that little bundle and get my medication back. Only time will tell. Until then, I will try my best to keep holding on...
