It's been awhile since my last one. Last week my childhood dog had to be put to sleep after 14 years with her. Losing her has been extremely hard for me... adjusting to life without someone who has been a part of me since I was 17 is definitely not easy. I'm just trying my best to cope with it at this point, because that's all I can do.... but I know I will never ever be the same again. I didn't even get to say goodbye to her or see her one last time... because my parents didn't call me until a half hour before they put her down. I'd be lying if I said that didn't piss me off. I wanted to see her one last time. I am so sad and miss her so much. But honestly, she was suffering, and it wasn't fair to her anymore. She had really bad arthritis and had a very hard time walking and laying down/getting up. She had a good long 15 years of life. RIP Callie, I will love you forever.
One thing I've noticed about myself that I didn't really pay attention to until today, is that I feel much more mellowed. Things that I think should be earth shattering for me aren't at all. I've had to distance myself a bit from two important very people in my life... by choice. It bothered me, but didn't leave me upset like I thought it would.
One was because I couldn't take the lecturing and criticism anymore. I understand I need people to be hard on me sometimes. I need to be told how it is. However, to be called selfish and be lectured what was starting to feel like every single day was not helping me. If anything, it was making me feel worse. I don't need to be told what I'm doing is wrong on a consistent basis. She is a huge part of my life, but I had to take a step back... for myself. It isn't what I wanted to have to do, but it's definitely what is best right now.
The other is simply because she is toxic for me. I've been friends with her since I was 12 and we have been thru so much together... but she also has a lot of issues herself and ultimately we are actually toxic for each other. We have always been there for each other through all of our struggles... but she is also the type of person that drops in and out of my life at her convenience, and I just can't have that anymore. I hate that this is what I had to do, but I had to do it in order to move forward in recovery. This isn't a part of my life I can have her be in. I cannot help her with her struggles while trying to overcome my own. For me, she's like a weight.
I feel like I should be distraught over this... but oddly I'm not. It bothers me, but I haven't dwelled on it or cried about it. A part of me thinks it may be because I have brought some very positive people in....and that's what I need. Writing that blog and sending it out was a huge risk for me.... but it also brought someone back into my life that I didn't realize how much I'd missed until then.
Most people know I've had zero guidance in life.... so there's nothing more comforting than having someone who would do anything in the world for me. Someone who tells me she loves me every day, because she doesn't ever want me to think for a second that she doesn't. She's known me for half of my life, and wants nothing more than to see me happy and wishes she could just fix it. To her I will always be her "little baby girl", which makes me feel like I'm 5, but at the same time it's comforting knowing how much she loves me and just wants to protect me.... and I've never had either of those. For me, it's having big sister/mom/friend all rolled into one. I hate that we had so many years apart and that it took sending out that first blog for this to happen.... but better late than never. Everything happens for a reason, and I don't think either of us are letting each other go this time!
So as much as a part of me feels like my medication isn't working, maybe it's actually just mellowing me out and I'm learning what I need in my life... and what I don't. When it comes to people, I feel like I've closed one chapter and opened another.... definitely a good thing. As much as I feel depressed... I know it won't last forever. I've had so many changes in my life the last few months I think I am just struggling to adjust and trying to figure out where to go next.
Have I still been weighing myself every day? Most of them. Do I like what I see? Not at all. I'm struggling with that really bad right now because at this moment I don't feel skinny. Someone actually told me the other day I looked better with a little more weight on me. I wanted to throw something because that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I know I have gained a little weight back... and I am not okay with that at all... It bothers me to look in the mirror because I can see where the weight is. See, I'm sure it sounds weird, but I have never eaten like a "normal" person. I've always eaten everything or pretty much nothing.... because obviously if I was full I would purge... and eating just cereal... well that's nothing. I was never taught to eat normal... it's always been this way for me. This is one of the hardest things for me to learn and try to teach myself. I keep trying to tell myself I am a work in progress... this is not going to happen overnight.... I am not going to wake up tomorrow "cured".
The hardest thing about anyone with an eating disorder... we cannot accept anything less than perfection. Yet I myself need to accept the fact that I will never be perfect... and that there's nothing wrong with that.... because no one is.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Sometimes we put up walls. Not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down.
I haven't always been a guarded person. I actually was the complete opposite till I was a teenager. But when I was 10, my uncle passed away in a motorcycle accident. I was traumatized from it, mainly because it was the first person close to me that died, and I was very close to him, and I felt like he had left me. After that, for whatever reason, I found myself attaching to everyone around me, and was like that for a few years. When I was 13 my aunt moved away... and I felt like I was left again. That was also around the same I started purging... and I had a few friends rat me out to one of our teachers for that. That's when I started questioning who I could and couldn't trust.
When I started high school, I was still feeling the same way. One of my friends caught me purging and told one of our teachers.. so once again I was questioning everything. By the time I was 16, I was done. I was so deep in depression, I didn't want to let anyone in, and I started really isolating myself. When I started dating my ex boyfriend right before senior year ( who also knew I had eating disorder issues), I was a little better because I was in a great relationship at the time, and I had a few friends I loved being with.
When I graduated high school I spent almost all my time with my boyfriend whenever I wasn't at work, even though we spent most of our time fighting. I still had a few close friends but we spent less and less time together as I continued to spend more and more time with him. There was one friend I still spent time with, which was definitely a good thing, but other than her and my boyfriend I was almost never with anyone else, and I was def attached and trusted both of them completely, or so I thought.
I tried so hard to make our relationship work, I didn't ever want to be with anyone else... I think it was the whole first love thing for both of us.
Most people don't know that my ex boyfriend was a cutter.... which I didn't know for a long time. He had had issues with it a lot in the past, and had told me about a year and a half into our relationship. My trust issues came into the picture again, as I wondered we he lied to me about it all that time. He had cut himself a few times in our relationship but said it was because his parents would stress him out (true story). 2 years into our relationship the fighting just got worse and worse, we were breaking up and getting back together every other day. I decided I wanted to break up with him (for real) because I just couldn't do it anymore. Well I did break it off... or tried to. I went to his house after I had told him I thought we would be better off apart... and there he was his arm all cut up. He said it was my fault that I made him do it, that he couldn't be without me. So me being 19, I felt like I had to stay with him and make it work, because I did love him still. 4 months after that, I started questioning if I was still in love with him. I couldn't even stand him being near me, I didn't even want him kissing me. However I stuck it out for 3 more months then I had to end it. 2 days before we broke up, I kissed someone else (now my husband), and right then and there I knew I wanted to be with him. So I admitted it to my ex. He told me it was either him or my husband, that I couldn't have both. Well, we know what choice I made. The next day he came while I was at work and dumped all my stuff on top of my car, and that was it.
However he would still go to my house when I wasn't home to see my parents and my dog (creepy I thought). He showed up on Easter for dinner because my parents had invited him yet never bothered asking me. A few weeks after that, when my husband and I were officially together, I stupidly called him and told him, mainly because I didn't want him hearing it from thru the grapevine. He yelled and hung up on me and we didn't speak for weeks... however we were in a wedding together which was awkward, and he drove me home from it in complete silence. That was pretty much the last time I spoke to him.... however he did admit to me that he never wanted to get married or have kids, that he had made that decision awhile back... yet LIED to me early on that that was what he wanted. So glad I walked away. However people who know who he is know I have to see him on a consistent basis... and he wont even look in my direction still, 11 years later.
My husband and I had a hard beginning, and I had a lot of trust issues having come out of an almost 3 year relationship. I struggled trying to build a trusting relationship with him, but once I did things were great. Then we he broke up with me a year later, all my trust issues came back into play. I didn't know what to think or feel. We got back together a few months later and things went back to the way they had been, like we had never been apart. However, I did always have the fear of him breaking up with me again, and didn't completely trust him. It took another year for me to get past that, when we moved in together. Once we bought our house, I knew it was a done deal :)
I was so happy again, hanging out with my best friend all the time, and made a few new friends that we hung out with. I was hesitant, because with friendship becomes trust.... and I wasn't ready to trust anyone else, having been thru everything I had. However, I slowly started letting my guard down, cause I was sure I wasn't going to get hurt. I knew they were different. Once I had my worst relapse in 2008, I turned to them. I realized then I had some amazing friends. After my best friend moved away, I was still ok because I had them. Well a year later... I had a falling out with all of them... and my best friend was the only left out of them all. At the time I was so upset, however now I look back and say it was one of the best things that ever happened, and I have no regrets. I had thought I had finally gotten to a place where I trusted people... and I was wrong. Well that was my breaking point. I stayed inside my bubble and didn't let anyone in and put every wall possible up. Almost every person I had ever let in had left me, so I decided I was never going to open up to anyone again.
However, it was then I realized throughout my whole life, I was never able to build a 100% trusting relationship with ANYONE. Even the people I had trusted I had never let my guard down completely, which I think stems from my childhood. I wanted to be able to form that relationship with someone, no matter how scary it was, because I wanted to know what it was like to be completely open and have absolutely no fear. That was one of the main reasons I started seeing my therapist... because I knew I needed to let every little part of me out, I needed that 100% trust, I needed to be fearless. I knew if I couldn't build that relationship with a therapist I would never be able to do it. Well, I'm proud to say that I have.... and it's one of the most amazing feelings ever, to throw it all out there with no fear of judgment. It's such a relief to have no secrets!
But I am still a very guarded person to the rest of the world... I still have a lot of walls up. Writing my first blog and putting it out there... a huge step for me to let that wall down, but it felt great to not have to live in the bubble alone anymore, and I have no regrets! And I think after everything I've been thru I have become a very good judge of character now and I feel people out for a long time before deciding if they're safe. I have a few people who have taken down some walls for me and I have started to open up to and it feels good and I feel like I might be starting to trust again.... however I still don't want to get close to anyone with the fear that they are just going to leave me.... because there are no guarantees. I feel like now I have been too open and need to go back in my shell where I know it's safe and I can protect myself... I need to put some walls back up because the fear is too much for me. It's not a matter of wanting to keep people out or not trusting, its more about who I can let knock them down without the fear of getting hurt. When I open up too much the fear kicks back in and I start to pull away because that's just a natural defense for me. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to not. It's not about anyone else, I know I have so many people to support me and be there and I'm thankful for that... so I'm hoping this will get easier for me. Just bear with me :)
When I started high school, I was still feeling the same way. One of my friends caught me purging and told one of our teachers.. so once again I was questioning everything. By the time I was 16, I was done. I was so deep in depression, I didn't want to let anyone in, and I started really isolating myself. When I started dating my ex boyfriend right before senior year ( who also knew I had eating disorder issues), I was a little better because I was in a great relationship at the time, and I had a few friends I loved being with.
When I graduated high school I spent almost all my time with my boyfriend whenever I wasn't at work, even though we spent most of our time fighting. I still had a few close friends but we spent less and less time together as I continued to spend more and more time with him. There was one friend I still spent time with, which was definitely a good thing, but other than her and my boyfriend I was almost never with anyone else, and I was def attached and trusted both of them completely, or so I thought.
I tried so hard to make our relationship work, I didn't ever want to be with anyone else... I think it was the whole first love thing for both of us.
Most people don't know that my ex boyfriend was a cutter.... which I didn't know for a long time. He had had issues with it a lot in the past, and had told me about a year and a half into our relationship. My trust issues came into the picture again, as I wondered we he lied to me about it all that time. He had cut himself a few times in our relationship but said it was because his parents would stress him out (true story). 2 years into our relationship the fighting just got worse and worse, we were breaking up and getting back together every other day. I decided I wanted to break up with him (for real) because I just couldn't do it anymore. Well I did break it off... or tried to. I went to his house after I had told him I thought we would be better off apart... and there he was his arm all cut up. He said it was my fault that I made him do it, that he couldn't be without me. So me being 19, I felt like I had to stay with him and make it work, because I did love him still. 4 months after that, I started questioning if I was still in love with him. I couldn't even stand him being near me, I didn't even want him kissing me. However I stuck it out for 3 more months then I had to end it. 2 days before we broke up, I kissed someone else (now my husband), and right then and there I knew I wanted to be with him. So I admitted it to my ex. He told me it was either him or my husband, that I couldn't have both. Well, we know what choice I made. The next day he came while I was at work and dumped all my stuff on top of my car, and that was it.
However he would still go to my house when I wasn't home to see my parents and my dog (creepy I thought). He showed up on Easter for dinner because my parents had invited him yet never bothered asking me. A few weeks after that, when my husband and I were officially together, I stupidly called him and told him, mainly because I didn't want him hearing it from thru the grapevine. He yelled and hung up on me and we didn't speak for weeks... however we were in a wedding together which was awkward, and he drove me home from it in complete silence. That was pretty much the last time I spoke to him.... however he did admit to me that he never wanted to get married or have kids, that he had made that decision awhile back... yet LIED to me early on that that was what he wanted. So glad I walked away. However people who know who he is know I have to see him on a consistent basis... and he wont even look in my direction still, 11 years later.
My husband and I had a hard beginning, and I had a lot of trust issues having come out of an almost 3 year relationship. I struggled trying to build a trusting relationship with him, but once I did things were great. Then we he broke up with me a year later, all my trust issues came back into play. I didn't know what to think or feel. We got back together a few months later and things went back to the way they had been, like we had never been apart. However, I did always have the fear of him breaking up with me again, and didn't completely trust him. It took another year for me to get past that, when we moved in together. Once we bought our house, I knew it was a done deal :)
I was so happy again, hanging out with my best friend all the time, and made a few new friends that we hung out with. I was hesitant, because with friendship becomes trust.... and I wasn't ready to trust anyone else, having been thru everything I had. However, I slowly started letting my guard down, cause I was sure I wasn't going to get hurt. I knew they were different. Once I had my worst relapse in 2008, I turned to them. I realized then I had some amazing friends. After my best friend moved away, I was still ok because I had them. Well a year later... I had a falling out with all of them... and my best friend was the only left out of them all. At the time I was so upset, however now I look back and say it was one of the best things that ever happened, and I have no regrets. I had thought I had finally gotten to a place where I trusted people... and I was wrong. Well that was my breaking point. I stayed inside my bubble and didn't let anyone in and put every wall possible up. Almost every person I had ever let in had left me, so I decided I was never going to open up to anyone again.
However, it was then I realized throughout my whole life, I was never able to build a 100% trusting relationship with ANYONE. Even the people I had trusted I had never let my guard down completely, which I think stems from my childhood. I wanted to be able to form that relationship with someone, no matter how scary it was, because I wanted to know what it was like to be completely open and have absolutely no fear. That was one of the main reasons I started seeing my therapist... because I knew I needed to let every little part of me out, I needed that 100% trust, I needed to be fearless. I knew if I couldn't build that relationship with a therapist I would never be able to do it. Well, I'm proud to say that I have.... and it's one of the most amazing feelings ever, to throw it all out there with no fear of judgment. It's such a relief to have no secrets!
But I am still a very guarded person to the rest of the world... I still have a lot of walls up. Writing my first blog and putting it out there... a huge step for me to let that wall down, but it felt great to not have to live in the bubble alone anymore, and I have no regrets! And I think after everything I've been thru I have become a very good judge of character now and I feel people out for a long time before deciding if they're safe. I have a few people who have taken down some walls for me and I have started to open up to and it feels good and I feel like I might be starting to trust again.... however I still don't want to get close to anyone with the fear that they are just going to leave me.... because there are no guarantees. I feel like now I have been too open and need to go back in my shell where I know it's safe and I can protect myself... I need to put some walls back up because the fear is too much for me. It's not a matter of wanting to keep people out or not trusting, its more about who I can let knock them down without the fear of getting hurt. When I open up too much the fear kicks back in and I start to pull away because that's just a natural defense for me. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to not. It's not about anyone else, I know I have so many people to support me and be there and I'm thankful for that... so I'm hoping this will get easier for me. Just bear with me :)
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
The hardest thing about "Everything happens for a reason" is waiting for that reason to come along.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I look at some of the worst things that have happened to me, yet in some way, something good has come out of all of them. I'm hoping the same rings true this time as well, even though I have no idea what the reason could be.
The last several days haven't been very good. On a day like today, I'd say I'm not fixable, that this is always going to be my life. That I'm always going to have a weight obsession, that if I'm not under 130 lbs I will always feel like my world is ending. I FEEL the weight coming back on and I can't handle that... it makes me feel like I'm failing, and I can feel my jeans getting tighter... and I am NOT going up a pant size again because I'm in the size I've always wanted. I NEED to be skinny. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry. The last few days haven't been good. I just want someone to hug me, play with my hair (most people know that's the most soothing thing to me), and tell me that this really is going to be okay, and let me cry it out... because I don't know that it is. I'm scared that this is the rest of my life... but at the same time I'm scared that it won't be. I want things to be different, but thinking that way is hard. This is the only life I know. I don't know what it's like to not have an eating disorder... and I don't know that I can let them go right now because I feel like I still need them, I need my security blanket, I need to feel protected. I NEED them to make me happy because when I'm skinny I'm happy. I feel like I'm so far out of my comfort zone right now that I NEED to go back in my shell.
Maybe I am moving way too fast and that's why I'm feeling this way. I just know I don't feel ok and I feel overwhelmed with everything I am surrounded by. Maybe I put way too much out in the open... I don't even know right now. I'm depressed, I'm exhausted, and my mind is racing a million miles an hour.
I have eaten a lot over the past week which was a really stupid move. It feels like there are rocks in my stomach and I can't take that feeling just sitting in me. It has taken every ounce of willpower I have in me not to try and purge, even though I don't think my body can anymore. But I need that feeling of relief that no other coping skill can fill the void of. I'm lost.
Growing up my fairytale was to be a writer, get married (on the beach), buy a house, and have 4 perfect children, 3 boys and 1 girl. However, life is not a fairytale.... and I obviously didn't know how much kids cost, or the amount of work they are!
As much as I feel at a crossroad right now, and don't know where things are going and what's going to happen, I realize in a lot of ways I have accomplished a lot. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I moved in together when I was 22, and at first I didn't want to leave home... it took almost a full year before I was 100% moved in.. but after that it was great! I loved that I could do whatever I wanted without my parents questioning everything. I loved the freedom. When I was 24 we bought our house... one of the best days ever! Even though we don't have nearly as much space as I wanted, I love love love my house, and am so proud that we did it on our own. I got married at 26, and of course I had always wanted to get married on the beach, in the fall. So we went to the Bahamas... and got married on the beach... in September... just like I always wanted! And of course, the best thing came last... when I was 28, I had my beautiful baby boy. Notice something monumental happened every 2 years? Well when I turned 30 last year... that was monumental enough for me!
So even though I'm not where I want to be, I have come a long way, and I'm not that 14 year old girl anymore. I work 2 jobs, have my own house, a hardworking husband, and an amazing 2 yr old son. I'm not the person I was, and I'm not the person I want to be.... but I think I'm somehow on my way there.
However, if someone had told me I would be Bipolar (amongst all the other things), and battle eating disorders at 30, I would have laughed. Cause I never thought these things would happen to me. We all see and hear things and think, that's never going to happen to me... until it does. Then there's the million dollar question... Why did this happen to me??
It's so hard to look at all these positive things when you're in a deep depression... it's hard to see anything else but darkness sometimes. As awful as I feel right now, I'm trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason.....and hopefully I won't have to wait forever for it.
The last several days haven't been very good. On a day like today, I'd say I'm not fixable, that this is always going to be my life. That I'm always going to have a weight obsession, that if I'm not under 130 lbs I will always feel like my world is ending. I FEEL the weight coming back on and I can't handle that... it makes me feel like I'm failing, and I can feel my jeans getting tighter... and I am NOT going up a pant size again because I'm in the size I've always wanted. I NEED to be skinny. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry. The last few days haven't been good. I just want someone to hug me, play with my hair (most people know that's the most soothing thing to me), and tell me that this really is going to be okay, and let me cry it out... because I don't know that it is. I'm scared that this is the rest of my life... but at the same time I'm scared that it won't be. I want things to be different, but thinking that way is hard. This is the only life I know. I don't know what it's like to not have an eating disorder... and I don't know that I can let them go right now because I feel like I still need them, I need my security blanket, I need to feel protected. I NEED them to make me happy because when I'm skinny I'm happy. I feel like I'm so far out of my comfort zone right now that I NEED to go back in my shell.
Maybe I am moving way too fast and that's why I'm feeling this way. I just know I don't feel ok and I feel overwhelmed with everything I am surrounded by. Maybe I put way too much out in the open... I don't even know right now. I'm depressed, I'm exhausted, and my mind is racing a million miles an hour.
I have eaten a lot over the past week which was a really stupid move. It feels like there are rocks in my stomach and I can't take that feeling just sitting in me. It has taken every ounce of willpower I have in me not to try and purge, even though I don't think my body can anymore. But I need that feeling of relief that no other coping skill can fill the void of. I'm lost.
Growing up my fairytale was to be a writer, get married (on the beach), buy a house, and have 4 perfect children, 3 boys and 1 girl. However, life is not a fairytale.... and I obviously didn't know how much kids cost, or the amount of work they are!
As much as I feel at a crossroad right now, and don't know where things are going and what's going to happen, I realize in a lot of ways I have accomplished a lot. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I moved in together when I was 22, and at first I didn't want to leave home... it took almost a full year before I was 100% moved in.. but after that it was great! I loved that I could do whatever I wanted without my parents questioning everything. I loved the freedom. When I was 24 we bought our house... one of the best days ever! Even though we don't have nearly as much space as I wanted, I love love love my house, and am so proud that we did it on our own. I got married at 26, and of course I had always wanted to get married on the beach, in the fall. So we went to the Bahamas... and got married on the beach... in September... just like I always wanted! And of course, the best thing came last... when I was 28, I had my beautiful baby boy. Notice something monumental happened every 2 years? Well when I turned 30 last year... that was monumental enough for me!
So even though I'm not where I want to be, I have come a long way, and I'm not that 14 year old girl anymore. I work 2 jobs, have my own house, a hardworking husband, and an amazing 2 yr old son. I'm not the person I was, and I'm not the person I want to be.... but I think I'm somehow on my way there.
However, if someone had told me I would be Bipolar (amongst all the other things), and battle eating disorders at 30, I would have laughed. Cause I never thought these things would happen to me. We all see and hear things and think, that's never going to happen to me... until it does. Then there's the million dollar question... Why did this happen to me??
It's so hard to look at all these positive things when you're in a deep depression... it's hard to see anything else but darkness sometimes. As awful as I feel right now, I'm trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason.....and hopefully I won't have to wait forever for it.
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