I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I look at some of the worst things that have happened to me, yet in some way, something good has come out of all of them. I'm hoping the same rings true this time as well, even though I have no idea what the reason could be.
The last several days haven't been very good. On a day like today, I'd say I'm not fixable, that this is always going to be my life. That I'm always going to have a weight obsession, that if I'm not under 130 lbs I will always feel like my world is ending. I FEEL the weight coming back on and I can't handle that... it makes me feel like I'm failing, and I can feel my jeans getting tighter... and I am NOT going up a pant size again because I'm in the size I've always wanted. I NEED to be skinny. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry. The last few days haven't been good. I just want someone to hug me, play with my hair (most people know that's the most soothing thing to me), and tell me that this really is going to be okay, and let me cry it out... because I don't know that it is. I'm scared that this is the rest of my life... but at the same time I'm scared that it won't be. I want things to be different, but thinking that way is hard. This is the only life I know. I don't know what it's like to not have an eating disorder... and I don't know that I can let them go right now because I feel like I still need them, I need my security blanket, I need to feel protected. I NEED them to make me happy because when I'm skinny I'm happy. I feel like I'm so far out of my comfort zone right now that I NEED to go back in my shell.
Maybe I am moving way too fast and that's why I'm feeling this way. I just know I don't feel ok and I feel overwhelmed with everything I am surrounded by. Maybe I put way too much out in the open... I don't even know right now. I'm depressed, I'm exhausted, and my mind is racing a million miles an hour.
I have eaten a lot over the past week which was a really stupid move. It feels like there are rocks in my stomach and I can't take that feeling just sitting in me. It has taken every ounce of willpower I have in me not to try and purge, even though I don't think my body can anymore. But I need that feeling of relief that no other coping skill can fill the void of. I'm lost.
Growing up my fairytale was to be a writer, get married (on the beach), buy a house, and have 4 perfect children, 3 boys and 1 girl. However, life is not a fairytale.... and I obviously didn't know how much kids cost, or the amount of work they are!
As much as I feel at a crossroad right now, and don't know where things are going and what's going to happen, I realize in a lot of ways I have accomplished a lot. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I moved in together when I was 22, and at first I didn't want to leave home... it took almost a full year before I was 100% moved in.. but after that it was great! I loved that I could do whatever I wanted without my parents questioning everything. I loved the freedom. When I was 24 we bought our house... one of the best days ever! Even though we don't have nearly as much space as I wanted, I love love love my house, and am so proud that we did it on our own. I got married at 26, and of course I had always wanted to get married on the beach, in the fall. So we went to the Bahamas... and got married on the beach... in September... just like I always wanted! And of course, the best thing came last... when I was 28, I had my beautiful baby boy. Notice something monumental happened every 2 years? Well when I turned 30 last year... that was monumental enough for me!
So even though I'm not where I want to be, I have come a long way, and I'm not that 14 year old girl anymore. I work 2 jobs, have my own house, a hardworking husband, and an amazing 2 yr old son. I'm not the person I was, and I'm not the person I want to be.... but I think I'm somehow on my way there.
However, if someone had told me I would be Bipolar (amongst all the other things), and battle eating disorders at 30, I would have laughed. Cause I never thought these things would happen to me. We all see and hear things and think, that's never going to happen to me... until it does. Then there's the million dollar question... Why did this happen to me??
It's so hard to look at all these positive things when you're in a deep depression... it's hard to see anything else but darkness sometimes. As awful as I feel right now, I'm trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason.....and hopefully I won't have to wait forever for it.
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