I've never felt like a strong person. In friendships/relationships, I have always felt like the weak link. However, I have come to the conclusion that I must be strong because I wouldn't have made it this far in life... I would have completely given up by now and said screw it, this is my life, instead of being determined to (as I word the disorders) "kick these bitches to the curb". I wouldn't be trying so hard if I didn't have the strength in me to do so.
At this moment, I don't feel strong. I wish someone could hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be ok. I wish someone could reassure me that I will make it thru this. I don't feel as alone as I used to, but I do in some ways still feel alone... I'm thinking that's common for others in the same situation. These are hard disorders to understand, and sometimes it's very hard for me to explain how I feel, so I try to cope by myself. However, I have many people who have assured me that I will never have to be completely alone in this... which is a good feeling.
I've learned it's ok to have breakdowns and need a shoulder to cry on. It's ok to ask someone to just listen. I've learned that I'm surrounded by a great support system that will do whatever they can to help me. But the ball is in my court... no one can wave a magic wand (although I think they wish they could!) and fix me... they can only hope I can make it thru, that I can sober up for good.
My therapist and I have come to the conclusion that it's not the empty feeling I crave, it's actually being fulfilled. When I feel skinny, I feel physically fulfilled, which makes me happy... which gives makes me emotionally fulfilled. So my feelings still match... and I have the feeling I want because I am satisfied. All this time of feeling like I needed the empty feeling was actually needing the opposite, but with the same effect of feeling nothing (if that makes sense to anyone).
I'm currently on what I would consider a typical Bipolar low, but right now I also don't feel fulfilled. I feel like I am gaining weight back. I stepped on my scale this morning and my immediate reaction was wanting to throw it out the window. I started feeling my pants get a little tighter, which prompted me to know the numbers were going up, but I wasn't prepared to see what I saw. So all I want is my physical fulfillment back. I want to feel skinny like I was starting to... to have my skinny jeans make me feel skinny... and right now I don't. I can't let myself gain when I was finally almost where I wanted to be. The feeling sitting in me right now is that of an extremely unsatisfied person, and I hate it. I don't ever want to see that number I saw again. EVER. With the exception of if I ever got pregnant again, because that weight gain is completely different. I still wouldn't like it, but could learn to accept it for obvious reasons.
I really wonder if there will ever be a time when I'm not obsessed with my scale, when the numbers won't matter. Quite honestly I don't see that ever happening. I weigh myself almost every day and expect to see the same thing every day, or lower. I know the magic number I want.
It's hard to work towards recovery feeling this way. It's hard to work on fixing myself when I am so unhappy with myself physically, because that just makes me unhappy emotionally, which makes the negative feelings match. I feel like this feeling is normal, that everyone in my position is going thru the same thing... I question how people can sober up permanently from these disorders, these demons that consume us. I wonder how some people can fully recover and never stare at that back windshield, how they can defrost it and the crystal clear glass doesn't attract them. Every time I see that crystal clear glass I want to touch it. I want to be able to look at that shiny glass and have it do nothing for me.
But what I want most is to be able to look in the mirror and forgive that almost 14 year old girl who made that life changing choice to purge for the first time.... and realize she didn't have to be perfect.
No comments:
Post a Comment