Some days are just hard.

4% of people in the US have eating disorders.  Out of the next 99 people I encounter,  3 of them are like me, and one of them is male. Quite honestly, I thought it was higher than 4%, but I am so grateful that it isn't.  I'm determined to not be one of them anymore.

Right now I feel like I'm in the Mall of America.  I walk in and I am immediately overwhelmed by everything I see. There are so many stores I don't know where to start...I want everything!  I see Gap, Old Navy, DSW.... I spot Banana Republic on the second level... and I can even see Coach from a distance.  I want to run, but know I need to start from the beginning and go store by store and take my time which is hard....even if it means saving the best for last.

However, the past few days I have felt discouraged, like things are always going to be this way, which usually happens when I'm depressed.  I had a meltdown last night, and the night before, because I just needed to let go of the frustration and things that hurt, and after a meltdown I generally feel a million times better.

Today I just felt like complete crap, all I wanted to do was sit on my couch and cry... which I still do, but I am so sick of crying.  I'm just flat out depressed.  I hate this full feeling inside me and can't think of anything else because it's just consuming me... and it needs to just go because I really can't take this feeling.  And lately, I just want to be by myself.  It's not anything anyone is doing, I just want to be alone.  And cry.  Sometimes I worry if I start crying I won't be able to stop.

I don't want to be part of this 4% anymore.  But I don't know what it's like to be in the other 96%.  How can something so bad for me make me feel secure?  Today, I will say I need it.  I can't let this go, it's too hard for me.  I don't wanna lose a part of myself that I don't know how to be without.  I know I need to step outside the box... but this is so much easier said than done.

I know I'm on a real low... it happens... and being Bipolar this is always going to happen more to me than the average person.  Will I feel differently tomorrow?  I'm optimistic.  Its a new day.