I intended to start a whole new blog to keep my past posts private... but for some reason I cannot so I will continue to use this one, which exposes a lot of my private past. However it is a part of me and I am not ashamed of who I am. I have been to hell and back. I have made mistakes, and continue to make them, But I am a fighter, and I will win. I am me.
I am generally a very private person when it comes to a lot of these things, but I'm planning to go public with my struggles since having a child and suffering severe postpartum, and am considering submitting this blog to a magazine, in hopes it will help other moms like me... the ones who are afraid to expose their situations and their struggles... the ones who feel alone. Because that was me. I lived it. I hid it all from the world. So here is my story.
I am a wife. I have Bipolar 1, MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), Borderline Personality Disorder, Severe Anxiety, and ADHD. I've also had an on/off battle with both eating disorders most of my life, one of which spiraled out of control this summer and almost left me hospitalized, and I am still struggling with it on a daily basis. But most importantly, above all else, I am a mom.
I now know that being a mom is the best thing ever. I never thought it was possible to love someone so much, until my son was born. I can't believe I made that perfect little person!
However, I didn't always feel that way. I feel like it was a tough struggle from the very beginning. I had a hard time getting pregnant... and it was hard to see all my friends having babies and that it wasn't happening for me. However when I least expected it, it happened! Mood wise, I felt amazing thru my entire pregnancy. The hormones that make people miserable were actually what balanced me out... so in that sense I would have loved being pregnant forever! When my son was born, everything changed. I only got to hold him for a minute after he was born, do to complications I had after giving birth... my doctor quoted it as "Worst vaginal delivery she had ever seen". Wish she had just given me the csection like I asked for!
My son was born November 2, 2011. I loved him instantly, but becoming a parent terrified me. I didn't know what to do when he cried... I didn't know anything... except that when he was a day old I was already crying. I thought the emotions were just that of becoming a new mom which happens all the time... however that wasn't my case.
I was crying constantly after we left the hospital. A lot of it was the fact that I have Bipolar so my emotions were naturally spinning out of control. But it was more than that. When my son was a week and a half old, it was quite obvious I was suffering from post partum. My therapist called my doctor right away and I was given a low dose of Prozac, the only thing I could take at the time cause I was still giving my son breastmilk. The medication did nothing for me, and even when I stopped pumping, she couldn't as a gynecologist give me anything stronger. So I stopped taking it. Then my son became colic... every parents worst nightmare. It was the longest three months of my life. He never stopped crying... unless he was eating or sleeping. He had to be held all the time because every time I would put him down he would scream... anything to avoid the crying I would do. I slept on the couch with him for the first 4 months of his life... its amazing how little sleep you learn to survive on! The day he turned three months old, he screamed all day... ALL DAY. The next day, we didn't have a day like that again... the colic was over! But I was still the same. I didn't enjoy being a mom at all.
Before I got pregnant, my therapist ( who I've now had for 3 1/2 years) was pushing me to see a psychiatrist to get meds, in hopes of me actually balancing out. I was resistant, and by the time I had finally agreed, I found out I was pregnant. However, after I stopped taking the Prozac, I continued to feel worse, but still wouldn't go see a psychiatrist. This depression continued to downspiral me for months... literally crying all the time, and I started purging again, the one thing I have always turned to for the empty feeling of relief. When my son was 6 months old, I gave in. I still after 6 months, didn't enjoy being a mom. I couldn't take it anymore, I knew I needed medication. In June 2012, I started seeing a psychiatrist who gave me a few different meds to start with. It took a few weeks for them to kick in, but I didn't feel much better. A few months later, she changed them, and I still felt the same. Fast forward 11 months later to May 2013. My post partum was still awful,.... I still didn't enjoy being a mom. the bipolar was thru the roof, and let's not even talk about the anxiety. I was already in yet another battle of anorexia ... and little did I know how bad it would be this time. I obviously wasn't feeling any better, so I decided it was time for a new psychiatrist. I was starting to enjoy being a mom, but not to where I knew it should be. My therapist knew someone who she said would be the perfect match for me, and let me tell you, when it comes to professionals, that is what you need. There has to be that personality match in which you either click or you don't. In the beginning of June 2013, I had my first appointment, and she was the perfect match for me! She actually kept me on the same medications I had, just lowered the dose of one and raised the dose on the other two.
Right around that time, anorexia really took over my life, but I didn't want to see it... no one with an eating disorder sees what the rest of the world sees. I just saw it as I didn't really have an appetite, and if I'm not hungry I'm not going to eat..... I was finally starting to love what I saw, and I was in love with the numbers on the scale. I was always tired, super moody (there's only so much medication can do when your body is being destroyed), and dizzy a lot of the time. I had multiple people express their concerns about my weight, to which I dismissed because I felt it wasn't their business. Most people think this disease is a choice... but it isn't. And there are so many emotions that go along with it. May, June, and July were by far the worst. I was weighing myself 3 times a day, sometimes more. I was living on cereal (which is actually the most common food among people with eating disorders I learned). The beginning of August, I looked in the mirror one day, and instead of seeing the girl I was beginning to love, I saw what was beginning to look like a skeleton. At that moment, I knew I needed help. I turned to the person who is my 2nd mom, when I knew I was in way over my head, and she said she was on the verge of confronting me about it herself. My husband had no idea what was going on till I finally told him, and when he saw me getting dressed he couldn't believe what he saw... he said this needed to stop and I needed to fix this and to do what I needed to do. So I started Seeing my therapist twice a week and it has helped me so much. By mid September, I was doing somewhat better. Its still very much a part of me, and I still freak out if I gain any weight, but I am working thru this issues in therapy. I am trying to take it day by day. If it weren't for my amazing therapist, I wouldn't be where I am today.
Around the same time, I felt like my medication was finally working... and I was starting to feel great! Amazing what a little change in doses of medication can do. October was by far the best month of my life! November had a lot of ups and downs, but December was great. January was a bit rocky, but with Bipolar, that is something that will always happen. One additional medication has been added, as I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD, and I can finally focus I like a real person. However, the hyper part is still there. Anyone who knows me knows I can't stand or sit still for more than 2 minutes ( I can't tell you how many times I have gotten up while writing this). Sorry everyone, it's probably never going to change!
I have gone thru all of these struggles and challenges all while being a mom. I lost practically a year and a half of my life... my sons first year and a half of life... being trapped in postpartum. yes being Bipolar amongst other issues were a contribution, but I could tell the difference between them. It saddens me that I missed out on so many moments of being a mom, but post partum isn't something you choose, it happens. I never thought this would happen to me, but it did, and I survived it, but it was a very long year and a half. I am so thankful to have the husband I do, who spent a lot of time being both parents to him when I couldn't handle it. I could not have gotten thru this without him.
I know there are moms out there like me... many of them. We don't choose post partum, it chooses us. I know I have faced many other challenges along the way, but post partum was the main one. So many feel alone in this battle, and don't think they should feel the way they do. But after living it firsthand, take the step towards getting help...it will be the best step you ever take. So many moms don't want to go public with their struggle, they are ashamed, or embarrassed, and they shouldn't be. there is nothing wrong with getting the help you need to enjoy being a mom, and being happy! I never planned to share my story, but if my story helps one mom, from going thru what I went thru, I know it's worth it.
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