It's been so long since I've written.... I just haven't had it in me. However, it's known that writing is the easiest way for me to express myself when I struggle to get the words out.
I have been struggling lately. Losing my grandmother, my last grandparent, 3 weeks ago has taken a toll on me. I question where the future of my family lies because she was the glue that held us all together, and I worry that we will end up drifting apart. Although I'm grateful to have maintained a good relationship with two of my cousins and hope that continues.
Parenting an unruly almost 4 year old boy is also a major challenge. I can only hope I can get my out of control child to get the help he needs to function better.... even if it means being the only parent to deal with it.
I have made mistakes and been open about them. I'm not perfect. However, now I find myself in a deep hole. I've been confronted by a few people about it.... which has resulted in me getting angry, denying it, and having limited contact with those people. Truth is now that I've been forced to open my eyes to it, it's clear as day right in front of me. I told myself if I ignored it that it would fix myself. I don't want to see it. I cannot believe I've fucked up to the extent that I have. I'm ashamed of myself at this point. I tell myself I have to be a big girl and that I can fix this on my own without help from anyone. I tell myself it is fixable.... if I do something about it now. If I don't... it will reach a point where I won't be able to get out of it.
No one knows. I don't want to talk about it. To anyone. I don't keep anything from my therapist... I'm an open book... except this. My best friend who is also an unbiological mom and big sister to me... who is the best mom ever and would do anything in the world for me doesn't know.... and we tell each other everything. So this is hard. I feel like I've tried to tell her and change my mind every time. I know I won't be judged for it... I've never been judged for my mistakes. But I feel like I know the reaction I will get. I honestly don't think there is anything they can do to help me... which is why I have kept it to myself. I want to attempt to fix this on my own... even though there is that voice in the back of my head that says I can't and that I am in way over my head and that I need help. But I want to try. I have created this problem all on my own and have no one to blame but myself.... so I feel I should fix it by myself.
☆DiscoveringMe914☆
