It's been 6 weeks. I thought by now it would all make sense to me but I'm still in a fog. It doesn't help that I know someone whose due date is two weeks before mine was supposed to be.... she posted a pic of her child on Facebook holding ultrasound pics, and all I could think was...
That's supposed to be me.
I'm supposed to be pregnant with my May baby. I'm supposed to be happy. My son is supposed to have a sibling. I think about that baby....
EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKING. DAY.
Just because I'm not crying 24/7 or talk about it doesn't mean I'm not sad. I'm devastated. I never thought this would happen to me. I had testing done which proved it was a miscarriage, but showed no reason as to why, which is supposed to be a good thing. I'm free to try again, but I'm now dealing with the intense fear of having another miscarriage. I don't want to go through that again... the pain is too intense.
I've now spent 5 months off medication that I need in order to try to have a baby.... and I feel like a failure. I know I need that medication.... trust me, everyone around me knows I need it! I know I should throw in the towel, but I can't bring myself to do it. I got pregnant. I had a miscarriage. I know what it's like to feel like you've lost everything. But I did get pregnant.... so I know it's possible. I'm dangling by what at this point, feels like a thread, but I'm too thick headed to give up. I feel like if I give up now, the last 5 months have been nothing but a waste of time. I'm so stressed out and so emotionally drained I can't think straight. I want another child. I want my son to have a sibling. But how far am I willing to sink into this depression before I realize I need to give in? All I want to do is sleep. I can easily sleep 9-10 hours a night and still be exhausted. I know from previous deep depressions, that sleep is one thing that has always been a comfort to me.
I know I need to do what's best for my husband and for the child I do have. They deserve to have the best of me, which at this point, I can't give them. It makes me sad in all aspects. I'm so sunk right now that I just keep hoping things will make some miraculous turn around.... which is highly unlikely. I just continue to watch myself sink deeper and deeper...
