Learn to let go. Not everyone in your life is meant to stay.

We all have things we struggle with, that we need to come to terms with.  But as much as we know we need to, sometimes inside the pain is so deep it seems next to impossible.

I was always envious of my friends who had great relationships with their moms. I longed for that perfect mother/daughter bond in my own life.  I have since come to the conclusion it just wasn't meant to be... with my own mother. 

We are two completely different people and butt heads about everything.  Our relationship is built completely around my son, and that's all it will ever be.  That's not saying I haven't tried, but there is only so much effort I can put into something before I realized its just not worth it anymore.  It's virtually impossible to have a conversation without a blowout argument attached.  However that doesn't mean I didn't wish things weren't different.  It means its just not possible.

However when someone else could show me what it was like, I learned how amazing it was.  For a good year and a half, I had it.

I had a mom to share secrets with, help me with my child, spend time with me, and show me what it was like to have that bond I craved.  It was great to have such a strong support system and have someone treat me like her 4th child.  No matter what, I knew I could turn to her and she would always be there to help me.  She promised she would always be there, and be the mom I deserved.  We even planned a vacation together.  I was sure this was a lifelong bond.

Things were great.... until I had my bad relapse with Anorexia.  She was constantly lecturing me and putting me down.  She would tell me i was selfish and didn't care about my child.  I worked hard getting back on track and was doing much better before our vacation.  We had an amazing time and things were great.  However within a month or so of coming home things were really starting to change.  Other things were coming between us, and she still couldn't let my relapse go.  She was sick of dealing with it.  We started talking less and less, and eventually our relationship basically turned from mother/daughter to almost acquaintances.  I can count the number of times we've been in touch in the past year.

To go from not having that bond, to having it and losing it, is almost like losing it twice.  At times I've felt orphaned.  There was no big falling out... we grew apart (there were other reasons involved) and I wish I could say I have no regrets because I'm glad to have had it, and I am, ... but there are a few.  How can you turn your back on someone you say you love like your own child? I feel like it was just another person to break a promise to me... and walk away.

However, I'm very happy with the people I do have in my life.  I have unconditional love.  My best friend is also my unbiological mom and knows how to fulfill both roles (cause I'm her baby and she knows sometimes her baby just needs her mom!) and has known me half my life.  I have a few other unbiological sisters that have been in my life for years, and would give the world for me.  I have an amazing husband and son.  I truly feel the people I have in my life now are all that I really need, and I really don't think any of them are going anywhere.

Don't look back with regret, look forward with hope. (Edited Version)

Unconditional love.

Everyone deserves to have it.  Most feel it from birth.  Some go through life desperately searching for that feeling.  I'm the latter of the two.

My son is my world.  He's saved my life in more ways then one.  My husband is one of my best friends.  I love them more than words can express.  I know how it feels to give love unconditionally.  But I feel like I've spent most of my life not knowing how it feels to receive it.

To be able to teach someone the true meaning of unconditional love is life's greatest lesson.  I'm eternally grateful to finally know how it feels to experience it on the receiving end.

I've learned that you don't have to give birth or share the same DNA to love someone like your own.

Despite there being only a 7 year age gap, I'm her baby girl, and have been since the young age of 16.  I've learned it's not about being inseparable, it's about being separated and nothing changes.  We spent many years apart yet now have a bond that is stronger than ever.  Without her, I wouldn't be the person I am right now, nor would I know how it feels to receive the unconditional love I know I deserve to have.

Unconditional love is daily I love you's.  It's an endless supply of hugs, wiping tears, advice, over protectiveness, sheltering, and support.  It's late night phone calls and/or texts no matter how tired.  It's trying to double as a mom and sister.  It's being complete opposites yet sharing an unbreakable bond.  It's losing a child and sharing a broken heart.  It's no disappointment or judgement.  It's treating the words "I need you" as a crisis.  It's loving my child whole heartedly.  It's wanting nothing more than to see me succeed. I know no matter how many mistakes I make or how many times I screw up, I'm still her baby, and that will never ever change. She promised she will take care of me till the day she dies, and I truly believe that.  Her love for me has no boundaries.  She has taught me life's greatest lesson without even realizing it.

"There will always be a reason why you meet people.  Either you need them to change your life or you are the one that will change theirs".

Maybe sometimes it's both.  I only hope I've made half the impact in her life that she's made in mine.

Thank you.  I love you to the moon and back.

Be Yourself. An original is worth more than a copy (EDITED VERSION)

Be Yourself. An original is worth more than a copy.

When it comes to alot of things in life, I am generally a very private person but I felt compelled to share my experiences in hopes that it may help other women like me. Women who feel alone and are afraid to expose their situations and struggles. This was my life; I lived it isolated in my own world. This is my story.

I am a wife. I have Bipolar 1, MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), Borderline Personality Disorder, Severe Anxiety, and ADHD. I've also had an on and off battle with both Anorexia and Bulimia most of my life, one of which spiraled out of control this past summer and almost left me hospitalized. I am still struggling with it on a daily basis. But most importantly, above all else, I am a mom.

Part of why I'm writing this is because I love being a mom. I never thought it was possible to love someone so much until my son was born. I can't believe I made that perfect little person! I didn't always feel that way. I felt like it was a tough struggle from the very beginning. I had a hard time getting pregnant. It was hard to see all my friends having babies and that it wasn't happening for me. However when least expected it happened! Mood wise, I felt amazing through my entire pregnancy. The hormones that make people miserable seemed to actually balance me out. In that sense I would have loved being pregnant forever! When my son was born, everything changed. I only held him briefly after he was born, due to complications I had after delivery.

My son was born November 2, 2011. I loved him instantly, but becoming a parent terrified me. I didn't know what to do when he cried. I felt like didn't know anything. I thought my emotions were just that of becoming a new mom and hoped it would soon get better.
I was crying constantly after we left the hospital. Part of it was due to Bipolar Disorder so my emotions were naturally fragile. But it was more than that. When my son was a week and a half old, it was quite obvious that I was suffering from post partum. My therapist called my doctor and I was given a low dose of Prozac, the only thing I could take at the time as I was still giving my son breastmilk. The medication did nothing for me, and even when I stopped pumping, she couldn't as a gynecologist give me anything stronger. So I stopped taking it. Then my son became Colic. It was the longest three months of my life. He never stopped crying unless he was eating or sleeping. He had to be held all the time because every time I would put him down he would scream. I slept on the couch with him for the first 4 months of his life... its amazing how little sleep you learn to survive on! The day he turned three months old he screamed all day. That was the last day like that. The colic was over, but I was still the same. I wasn't enjoying being a mom at all.

Before I was pregnant, my therapist was advising me to see a psychiatrist, in hopes that medication would help. I resisted, and by the time I had finally agreed, I was pregnant. When I stopped taking the Prozac, I still felt depressed, but still wouldn't go see a psychiatrist. I continued on this downspiral for months, literally crying all the time. I started purging again; the one thing I have always turned to for the empty feeling of relief. When my son was 6 months old, I gave in. After 6 months, I still didn't enjoy being a mom. I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I needed medication.

From June 2012 to May 2013 I saw a psychiatrist who started me on a few different medications, and within that time adjusted the dosages a few times. It made little difference. My post partum was still awful, I still wasn't enjoying being a mom. So after very little results, I decided it was time for a new psychiatrist. My therapist knew someone who she said would be the perfect match for me, and when it comes to professionals, that is what you need. There has to be that personality match; either click or you don't. In the beginning of June 2013, I had my first appointment, and thankfully she was the perfect match! She actually kept me on the same medications I had, just lowered the dosage of one and raised the dosage on the other two.

Right around that time, Anorexia really took over my life, but I didn't want to see it... no one with an eating disorder sees what the rest of the world sees. I just saw it as I didn't really have an appetite, and if I'm not hungry I'm not going to eat. I was finally starting to love what I saw, both in the mirror and on the scale. I was always tired, super moody (there's only so much medication can do when your body is being destroyed), and dizzy a lot of the time. I had multiple people express their concerns about my weight, to which I dismissed because I felt it wasn't their business. Most people think this disease is a choice, but it isn't. There are so many emotions that go along with it. May, June, and July were by far the worst. I was weighing myself 3 times a day, sometimes more. I was living on cereal (which is actually one of the most common food among people with eating disorders I learned). The end of July, I looked in the mirror one day, and instead of seeing the girl I was beginning to love, I saw what was beginning to look like a skeleton. At that moment, I knew I needed help. I turned to a close friend, when I knew I was in way over my head. She said she was on the verge of confronting me about it herself. My husband had no idea what was going on until I finally told him. When he saw me getting dressed one day he couldn't believe what he saw. He said this needed to stop and I needed to fix this and to do what I needed to do. I started seeing my therapist twice a week. By mid September, I was doing somewhat better. It's still very much a part of me, and I still freak out if I gain any weight, but I am working through this issue in therapy. I am trying to take it day by day. If it weren't for my amazing therapist, I wouldn't be where I am today.

That fall, I felt like my medication was finally working... and I was starting to feel great! Being Bipolar I still have ups and downs, but I was handling daily life much better. One additional medication has been added, as the ADHD is a recent diagnosis, and I can finally focus like a real person. However, the hyper part is still there. Anyone who knows me knows I can't stand or sit still for more than 2 minutes ( I can't tell you how many times I have gotten up while writing this). Sorry everyone, it's probably never going to change!

I have gone through all of these struggles and challenges all while being a mom. I lost practically a year and a half of my life... my sons first year and a half of life, being trapped in postpartum. Yes being Bipolar amongst other issues were a contribution, but I could tell the difference between them. It saddens me that I missed out on so many moments of being a mom. I never thought this would happen to me, but it did. I survived, but it was a very long year and a half. I am so thankful to have the husband I do, who spent a lot of time being both parents to my son when I couldn't handle it. I could not have gotten through this without him.

I know there are moms out there like me; many of them. We don't choose post partum, it chooses us. So many feel alone in this battle, and don't think they should feel the way they do. Taking the step towards getting help will be the best step you ever take. So many moms don't want to go public with their struggle, they are ashamed, or embarrassed, and they shouldn't be. There is nothing wrong with getting the help you need to enjoy being a mom. I never planned to share my story, but if it helps one mom, from going through what I went through, it would be worth it.

Don't look back with regret, look forward with hope.

Unconditional love.

Everyone deserves to have it.  Most feel it from birth.  Some go thru life desperately searching for that feeling.  I'm the latter of the two.

My son is my world.  He's saved my life in more ways then one.  My husband is one of my best friends.  I love them more than words can express.  I know how it feels to give love unconditionally.  But I feel like I've spent most of my life not knowing how it feels to receive it.

To be able to teach someone the true meaning of unconditional love is life's greatest lesson.  I'm eternally grateful to finally know how it feels to experience it on the receiving end.

I've learned that you don't have to give birth or share the same DNA to love someone like your own.

Despite there being only a 7 year age gap, I'm her baby girl, and have been since the young age of 16.  I've learned it's not about being inseparable,  its about being separated and nothing changes.  We spent many years apart yet now have a bond that is stronger than ever.  Without her, I wouldn't be the person I am right now, nor would I know how it feels to receive the unconditional love I know I deserve to have.

Unconditional love is daily I love you's.  It's an endless supply of hugs, wiping tears, advice, over protectiveness, sheltering, and support.  It's late night phone calls and/or texts no matter how tired.  It's trying to double as a mom and sister.  It's being complete opposites yet sharing an unbreakable bond.  It's losing a child and sharing a broken heart.  It's no disappointment or judgement.  It's treating the words "I need you" as a crisis.  It's loving my child whole heartedly.  It's helping edit blogs to achieve success. I know no matter how many mistakes I make or how many times I screw up, I'm still her baby, and that will never ever change. She promised she will take care of me till the day she dies, and I truly believe that.  Her love for me is endless.  She has taught me life's greatest lesson without even realizing it.

"There will always be a reason why you meet people.  Either you need them to change your life or you are the one that will change theirs".

Maybe sometimes it's both.  I only hope I've made half the impact in her life that she's made in mine.

Thank you.  I love you to the moon and back.

Sometimes the only way to find yourself is to get completely lost.

I feel almost exactly the same as I did 2 years ago, right before I just lost it completely and just downspiraled and stopped caring about everything.... the whole middle of 2013 was not pretty.... I honestly try to pretend sometimes that it didn't happen.

I've gained almost 40 lbs in the last 10 months.  I won't even look in a full length mirror anymore because I'm completely disgusted with what I see.  I'm 2 lbs away from my highest weight ever (not counting pregnancy) and I feel awful.  My pants are ridiculously tight, but I refuse to buy a bigger size because I refuse to wear anything bigger than an 8.  I could feel it happening, but I just kept telling myself that I cannot keep gaining... yet I still do.  I don't even want to go shopping anymore... it's gotten that bad.

I feel like after the miscarriage I started to really go downhill.  And when my husband put me thru the rollercoaster of going back and forth between wanting another child then not multiple times, then making the decision that we should wait 3 years... well I think that was my final straw and I really just stopped caring about pretty much everything and just turned to emotional eating as a means of coping.  But lately, I've really been craving the empty feeling that I've loved most of my life.... and I feel like I really NEED it.

I just keep trying to tell myself that once my medications are back to my original dosages that life will be more bearable for me.  I wish I didn't have to go back on them because I don't want to have to take medication for the rest of my life to be happy and functioning... but I honestly don't think I have an alternative.  For whatever reason I got dealt these shitty cards and this is the rest of my life, whether I like it or not.  Bipolar and Depression run on both sides of my family so honestly it's like I didn't even have a chance at an escape from it.

I have always associated constant crying with being depressed, but as I've gotten older I've realized that just because tears aren't rolling down my cheeks 24/7 doesn't mean I'm not depressed.  Just because I seem stable doesn't mean I am.  I can put on a good front if I have to... and I've learned to.

I've lost a child and I still can't come to terms with it.  Every time I see someone pregnant I just keep thinking that's supposed to be me.  I'm supposed to in one of the happiest times of my life right now, and instead it's the complete opposite and I NEVER thought things would be like this.

Now that my husband has us on this "3 year plan" (which I honestly don't even know if I believe), I have no idea what to do.  I have ADHD and OCD.... I need routine and consistency and don't know what I'm supposed to do knowing nothing is a guarantee.  I'm a planner.  It's like the movie 50 First Dates... I seriously need that kind of repititiveness in my life.  I'm not a "let go and see what happens" kind of person.  I honestly think it's just not in me.  When I don't have routine, all hell breaks loose.

Having lived most of my life with an eating disorder, staying sober has always been hard because I ALWAYS go back... it's my go-to... my escape and nothing else can fulfill that feeling of emptiness that I crave so desperately.... no matter how hard I try.  And all I want right now is cereal.

I feel extremely unhappy with almost every aspect of my life and I don't even know how things got this way... I just don't know what to do or how to even begin to change and\or fix them.