Standstill

I feel like at this moment my life is at a standstill.  I don't know how I feel about anything.  There are so many emotions and thoughts going through me and I need to get them out.  I know the only person I'm hurting by not letting my guard down is myself.... but thats not enough to change me.  I just have so many things I need to work on, its ridiculous.  I have so much built up inside me its insane.  I see my therapist in a few days so hopefully I can just let it all go, and not put my guard back up to her like I see a part of me doing.  Its hard to be optimistic when you see yourself falling apart inside and no one knows what to do to help you.  And I don't know how to help myself, but I'm taking baby steps trying to learn.

Just Thinking

The last few days I've been somewhat relaxed...for me that is.  But my mind is stilll constantly racing.  My mind races 24/7, there is just no way around it.  Sometimes I wonder if I will really be able to get better and change this time.  Some days I'm the most optimistic person, and others I'm like queen pessimist, but it really depends on my mood of the day.  I know the road is long, but I know deep down in the end it will be worth it.  My trust issues I know will be the biggest hurdle, and definitely the hardest to overcome.  I need to learn how to let my guard down and not be so completely terrified by it.  Sometimes I really feel that I am completely alone in this... but that is my own fault.  I need to isolate myself sometimes to deal with certain things.  I'm scared that if I fail again that no one will be there to support me because they will give up too.  It's a frustrating process for everyone involved, and I'm just hoping no one will give up on me, even if I do fail again.  But I'm tired of failing.  I'm tired of letting something that should mean nothing to me run my life... but its a part of me.  Sometimes I force myself to believe I'm perfectly fine even though I know I'm obviously not.  It's easier to run from something then it is to deal with it.

It takes a little Trust

I have a huge issue with trusting people... that is one of my biggest fears.  It is so much easier to push someone away then let them in... its an issue that has gotten worse as I've gotten older.  I'm convinced once I let someone in I'm running the risk of allowing myself to get hurt, which is true... I'd rather not take that risk and play it safe.  If I don't let my guard down I can't get hurt, right?  It's an issue I've been trying desperately hard to work on, but it's definitely a baby step process.  There is that voice in the back of my head that says sometimes you have to take that risk, and hope for the best.  I'm starting to realize I could be missing out on forming great relationships with people because I let the fear take over me.  I feel bad because I feel the only person I'm completely open with is my therapist... obviously its good that I have that comfort level with her, I love that I have that,  but I hope that eventually I can reach out to other people in my life.  It's not that everyone around me is doing something wrong... it's that I'm scared and am still not sure how to let that fear go... but its one of the million things I'm working on.  I don't know how to let my guard down because it has been up for so long.  It's hard because people tell me time and time again they are there for me and will always listen and want to help me... but I can't break down and let them in no matter how hard I try, and sometimes its frustrating, but right now, I am a work in progress.

Family...or in my case, lack there of

I have an eating disorder.  I can admit it and talk a little bit about it... to some people.  Other than my therapist, eight people know the situation... three have known for years.  None of which includes my family other than my husband, who is my rock :)  I come from an extremely unsupportive family who has never approved of anything I've done with my life.  It was hard at first, being 13 and having them just ship me off to a therapist because they didn't want to deal with it.  But as I got older and more time passed, I realized that was the truth: they didn't want to deal with it.  They have never wanted to deal with anything.  When my husband and I got engaged my parents told him, "Thank you for taking her off our hands, she's your problem now."  Talk about love right there.  I've learned that my relationship with my family will probably always be rocky, and that its not completely my fault.  I can't imagine having a daughter going through everything I have/am, hurting this much, and not doing absolutely anything and everything to try and help her any way I could.  They didn't want to help me, and deep down, and I don't think they really cared.  They just wanted someone else to do the job they didn't want to do... or maybe didn't know how to do.  I feel like this situation isn't something you can prepare for... no parent wants to hear their child has an eating disorder.... but don't you try and learn the best way possible to help them??  I'm sure the people in my life now that know weren't prepared for this... but they are all trying to understand and learn for the sake of me and I love them for that.  I need all the support I can get.... even if it isn't from my family.  Just goes to show that friends really are the family we choose.

Taking the First Step is Always the Hardest...

The first step in fixing a problem is admitting you have one.  It is also the hardest.  No one wants to admit when they're in over their head, but sometimes you reach a breaking point and just can't handle things anymore.  That is me.  I knew what an eating disorder was when I was about 11.  I remember reading about it in school and thinking, how can someone do this to themselves?  Little did I know two years later I would fall victim to one of these diseases.  I knew the risks, but at 13, you also don't think long term.  I had no idea 14 years later I would still find myself struggling to kick this addiction for good- because it is an addiction.  It's a need for that quick fix, the easiest way to cope with everything in my life that I can't control.  But now this disease has controlled me for pretty much half of my life.  I have had times in my life where I've been okay, where I thought I had kicked it for good.  But when everything goes wrong, I always turn back to the one thing that will always be there for me.  I went to a therapist for the first time at 13 for a few years, but at that time I had zero interest in trying to change.  I decided when I was 24 that I was ready to try again, and for a year and a half I saw someone who I don't feel helped me at all.  I never developed a connection with her, so that made the situation pretty pointless for me and I stopped caring.  I convinced myself I was fine and stopped going.  A few months ago, I saw myself downspiral yet again and knew deep down I had to try again.  So after much research I found a new therapist who is absolutely amazing, and exactly who I need in my life right now- I couldn't ask for a better supporter!  I'm just trying to take things one day at a time... one step up the mountain at a time.  The mountain is the highest mountain I'll ever climb, and I know I will fall back down it a lot... but I just have to get back up and try again, and eventually I will reach a point where I stop falling.