Sometimes the only way to find yourself is to get completely lost.

I feel almost exactly the same as I did 2 years ago, right before I just lost it completely and just downspiraled and stopped caring about everything.... the whole middle of 2013 was not pretty.... I honestly try to pretend sometimes that it didn't happen.

I've gained almost 40 lbs in the last 10 months.  I won't even look in a full length mirror anymore because I'm completely disgusted with what I see.  I'm 2 lbs away from my highest weight ever (not counting pregnancy) and I feel awful.  My pants are ridiculously tight, but I refuse to buy a bigger size because I refuse to wear anything bigger than an 8.  I could feel it happening, but I just kept telling myself that I cannot keep gaining... yet I still do.  I don't even want to go shopping anymore... it's gotten that bad.

I feel like after the miscarriage I started to really go downhill.  And when my husband put me thru the rollercoaster of going back and forth between wanting another child then not multiple times, then making the decision that we should wait 3 years... well I think that was my final straw and I really just stopped caring about pretty much everything and just turned to emotional eating as a means of coping.  But lately, I've really been craving the empty feeling that I've loved most of my life.... and I feel like I really NEED it.

I just keep trying to tell myself that once my medications are back to my original dosages that life will be more bearable for me.  I wish I didn't have to go back on them because I don't want to have to take medication for the rest of my life to be happy and functioning... but I honestly don't think I have an alternative.  For whatever reason I got dealt these shitty cards and this is the rest of my life, whether I like it or not.  Bipolar and Depression run on both sides of my family so honestly it's like I didn't even have a chance at an escape from it.

I have always associated constant crying with being depressed, but as I've gotten older I've realized that just because tears aren't rolling down my cheeks 24/7 doesn't mean I'm not depressed.  Just because I seem stable doesn't mean I am.  I can put on a good front if I have to... and I've learned to.

I've lost a child and I still can't come to terms with it.  Every time I see someone pregnant I just keep thinking that's supposed to be me.  I'm supposed to in one of the happiest times of my life right now, and instead it's the complete opposite and I NEVER thought things would be like this.

Now that my husband has us on this "3 year plan" (which I honestly don't even know if I believe), I have no idea what to do.  I have ADHD and OCD.... I need routine and consistency and don't know what I'm supposed to do knowing nothing is a guarantee.  I'm a planner.  It's like the movie 50 First Dates... I seriously need that kind of repititiveness in my life.  I'm not a "let go and see what happens" kind of person.  I honestly think it's just not in me.  When I don't have routine, all hell breaks loose.

Having lived most of my life with an eating disorder, staying sober has always been hard because I ALWAYS go back... it's my go-to... my escape and nothing else can fulfill that feeling of emptiness that I crave so desperately.... no matter how hard I try.  And all I want right now is cereal.

I feel extremely unhappy with almost every aspect of my life and I don't even know how things got this way... I just don't know what to do or how to even begin to change and\or fix them.