When it comes to making a big change in your life, you have to want it more than you fear it.

That is the truth.  I don't want them to be a part of my life anymore... but I don't know what life is like without them.  Something that has controlled so much of my life... it's scary to let go of, even when I know deep down that's what I have to do... but I have to want it.

I don't know what it's like to not have them as a fall back, because I always have.  I need that control, I need that feeling, that rush.  We all think about the things we don't think we can live without.... unfortunately for me this is one of them.  I feel like I will be missing a part of myself, a part that I need.  After 16 years, I don't know anything different.  I really am terrified to know what life is like without them.

I want to walk away sober this time... permanently.  I can't count how many times I've told myself that, yet it never is.  I'm trying to be optimistic, but I know this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.... no step is easy.  I don't know how to let them go... I feel like once I lose them I won't know who I am anymore.  I know the road ahead of me is long, believe me, I get that.  And I don't know if I'm ready to face it.  Anytime I have something triggering in my life that I don't know how to cope with... there they are, waiting for me.

There is nothing like the satisfaction of trying on jeans and finally fitting into the size I have always wanted.  It makes these diseases harder to part with.  Standing in that fitting room, I have never felt so much accomplishment.  It was an amazing feeling to know I got to where I wanted to be, that I don't have to dream about it anymore, that my perfect size is now hanging in my closet, all 3 pairs of them.  These diseases are what got me here.  Was it the way to go?  No.  However like I've said before, it's so easy to get sucked back in... because it's all I know.  And I'm terrified of gaining any of the weight back.

As much as I have felt like I have been a disappointment to people, I think deep down, I'm a disappointment to myself.  This isn't what my life was supposed to be like... at all.  Yet, it is.

I have to want this for myself.  Do I wish someone had a magic wand to fix this for me?  Absolutely.  But that isn't the case.  No one can do this for me.  I wish I hadn't made the decisions I did at 14.  If I could go back and change it, believe me, I would.  I had no idea that from then on these diseases would control my life, and that I would be where I am right now.  But I can't go back, I can only move forward in hopes I can look back one day and say " That's right, I kicked those bitches asses to the curb" :)

I wish I wouldn't have to face the road that I know lies in front of me.  I know this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done... I really don't know how hard is, but I'm sure its harder than I think.  I start to cry just thinking about it because a part of me says, don't let them go.... I don't know how to not run back.  It's so easy to do.  I am scared.  I don't know what this is going to be like this time.  I've never had the strong support system before like I do now, so I tell myself maybe it won't be quite as hard as I think... but until I face it head on, I don't know what anything is going to be like.  I see many meltdowns in my future.  Be prepared.

I know what the next step is, what my starting point is from here.  I need to find outlets, other coping skills I can turn to instead.  I am not someone who can handle stressful situations well... at all.  My first outlet would be shopping.  However, I can only use that in moderation, as most people know that quick fix has dug me into some pretty deep debt in the past.  The last thing I need is to go thru that all over again.  My next choice would be writing (obviously), scrapbooking, and I have added reading to my list.  It's a start.  Maybe as time goes by I will add others to the mix.

I don't only need to do this for me... I need to do this for my son.  He may be little now, but I don't want this to affect his life, I don't want this to be something he grows up being around... because he doesn't deserve that.  So I'm really going to give it my all this time... for me, and for him.