Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.

I know that no one can do this for me.  I have a strong support system that I know can help me, but no one can just wave a magic wand and fix it.  I don't know what I did to deserve all these amazing people to walk into my life.  But one of my favorite quotes is "Some people come into our lives and quickly go.  Others leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same".  Very fitting!

Having an eating disorder is an addiction... or a sickness, however you want to look at it.  The easiest way to explain it is...  A heroin addict needs heroin, an alcoholic needs beer, and someone with an eating disorder needs the empty feeling.  That's generally how I describe it to make people understand it, then it usually makes sense to them. It's the same thing, just different situations.

I've always turned back to them.  Always.  They are the one thing that has always been there for me my whole life.  They are a part of me.  Being Bipolar does not make things any easier.  I will always be moodier than the average person.  When I'm manic, life is fantastic, everything is perfect, I'm on top of the world.  However, coming down from the mania is a different story... sometimes it's a slow decline... other times it's a crash.  I dread being manic, because I know it will always be the calm before the storm.... unfortunately it's normal.  I don't experience it nearly as bad because of medication.. but it still happens sometimes, and I've learned for me, that's just my life... there's no running from that... it isn't something I can change... its chemical based. 

So when I'm on a really bad low that lasts for a long stretch of time (several weeks, sometimes a month, and sometimes longer), it's so easy to get sucked back in to needing that empty feeling.  I don't have stretches like that very often, but when they hit, they hit hard.  When I feel depressed, I feel empty (like most people do).  However for me when I feel empty emotionally, I need to be empty physically too.  Feeling completely empty is a high... I feel completely numb.  I love it, and I can drop weight like water... it's amazing for me.  However the longer the depression lasts... the longer I need that.  And even when I pull myself out of it, sometimes... I still need the empty feeling.

So how do I change this?  I'm trying to convince myself that I don't need them anymore... those demons that rule my life.  However,  they overpower me.  Bottom line is, I don't know what life is like without them.  I feel like they are a part of my identity...I don't know who I am otherwise.  When I get sober, I always tell myself I'm not going to relapse again, but I hit the point where I miss the feeling so much that I need to go back... because I have dealt with this for half of my life.  I try so hard to tell myself those demons really are the enemy...but no one can take the demons out of me.  They can help me try to see past them, to fight them off, to tackle them with me.  But ultimately it's me that has to fight them for good.  But how do I let go of something that is such a big part of me?