I took a huge step out of my comfort zone with my last blog, with the amount of people I sent it to. I've always been a closed off person. However I was tired of living in a bubble and hiding who I really am. I wasn't sure what kind of responses I would get... and was hesitant sending it to as many people as I did. I am so glad I did it.... the amount of positive feedback I've gotten is overwhelming... I had no idea I had so many supportive people in my life! And some responses were so touching I was left in tears. I have so many people who love me, want to be there for me, and help in anyway they can. I am thankful for each and every one of the cheerleaders in my life. Going public with such a private battle isn't easy... however I do think it is the best thing for me.
A lot of people now know I have an eating disorder.... and quite honestly it doesn't bother me. It doesn't change the person I am, I am the same as before people knew. My most recent relapse with anorexia started to happen right around Christmas. I felt it coming... and before I know it, in the blink of an eye the demon takes over. I didn't have a very long sober period between my last relapse. I relapsed in March, and I sobered up mid September, so this time I only had about a 3 month window before this relapse. However that March relapse was the worst one ever.... I just completely lost it...and I just didn't care.
Last year was a very difficult year for me... one of the most important people in my life, who I loved more than anything, my grandmother, passed away February 16th, on her oldest great grandchild's 8th birthday. The few months leading up to her death were very rough... she was in the hospital I think 5 times in a 2 month period. Her last trip she decided she didn't want to go thru it anymore... she had emphysema and CHF... she didn't want to take any medication anymore... she was ready to go to heaven to see my uncle, as she put it. so my aunt bought a one way ticket from Florida to stay with her. She came home on a Saturday.. I brought Andrew over for the last time on Sunday and watching her say goodbye to him was the hardest moment of my entire life ( I just sobbed typing this). It broke me knowing she would never see him again. That night, I started working on the memory boards for her funeral.... I'm Michelle, I have to be prepared for everything. On that Monday, she had her sudden burst of energy (which apparently you get before you die)... her, my aunt, my mother and myself were sitting at her dining room table laughing all night going thru all our favorite memories. I remember her joking around what day she should die haha. I told her that Thursday wasn't a good day cause it was wills birthday... " she said Thursday??? I better be dead by then!". I remember telling her I loved her and would miss her... and I remember her saying the same, and also that she had to go, she just couldn't do it anymore. I left there laughing crying at the same time... knowing that was probably the last time I would see her. I called my aunt in the morning and asked how she was... my grandma's response in the background.. "Tell her I'm busy scratching my tickets. I woke up and said why am I not dead?!" There was still some humor there. I went over that night and she and I were watching Wheel of Fortune and she got the puzzle before I did.. "I said how do you always get these before I do". She said, "Because I'm older and smarter."
That was the last conversation I ever had with her. All she did from that night on was sleep. I would go every day and watch her sleep.... my mother didn't understand why I was doing that to myself... but I needed to do it for me. Fast forward to Saturday.. I remember calling my aunt and telling her that when she woke up she needed to tell her my refinancing on my house went thru. I got out of work and went over and watched her sleep for a little while, then left. I went to my mothers that night and as I was leaving, the phone rang... I just knew. I would never see her again. I spent the entire night up crying. Surprisingly I went to work the next day and was perfectly fine... until I got out of work and found out my mother and both my aunts were cleaning out her apartment. Not even 24 hours later. I was beyond a mess.
I went over there the next day when I got out of work to find my aunts packing up the rest of her stuff... not even 48 hrs later her stuff was packed. I rememeber walking in the door and breaking down and saying "Why are you getting rid of her stuff, why are you doing this"... as I started ripping bags open. When I went back the next day, I asked everyone to leave cause I wanted to be there by myself. Everyone was reluctant, but I flat out told them to get out and leave me alone. I knew it was the last time I would be inside her apartment. I sat there for hours, crying. And then I left for the very last time.
I cried a lot leading up to her funereal. I did the eulogy... it was always something I wanted to do. Then like that, it was over. My aunt flew back home, and everyone else went back to their normal lives like nothing had happened. Except me. I cried for hours every day for weeks. I would cry on my way to work, on my way home, before I went to bed at night. Literally everything made me fall apart... even things like cutting coupons and seeing stuff she would buy would make me lose it. It even got to the point where I had to change my normal Monday work shift because I couldn't even stand to be there when the van that took them grocery shopping was there because she normally would have been on it.... I couldn't go in that building till the van was gone.
Mid March, I just completely lost it. I just didn't care about anything anymore, I felt like my life was over. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep... I was just rock bottom depressed. And the demon took over and down spiraled me from there. I dropped weight like it was water. And I loved what I was seeing. All I kept thinking was... just a few more pounds, just a few more... and well we know where it went from there.
I call eating disorders demons because that is what they are. They aren't my friend... they are my enemy. However, having battled both, they are my fall back. If one doesn't satisfy me I turn to the other. When I feel as low as I do right now... I feel like there is no where I can go except up. However, I feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know I need to let it go, but at the same time, I'm scared to rise. I'm scared to get sober, but I'm scared of relapse. I don't want this to be a part of my life anymore.... but how do you let go of something that has been apart of you for as long as you can remember? Thinking I know where my therapy session is going in the morning....
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