A few people have questioned as to why my family knows none of what's going on. Other than 2 of my cousins, everyone else is clueless. I have several reasons why:
I have a very judgemental family....
I have never had a close relationship with any of my family... with the exception of my grandmother. Since she passed, I have no one. But that doesn't mean I haven't tried.
I've always felt like that black sheep in the family (my mothers side). I was the one who barely graduated high school, didn't go to college, and spent my time working in a grocery store. My cousins had gone on to college and everyone was so proud of what they had done. I never "fit in" with the way the rest of the family was. However, I will say that my grandmother told me constantly up until she died, that she was proud of me. That I will always hold onto.
I've never had a very good relationship with my parents. When one of my friends caught me purging at 13, the school ended up calling my mother what was going on. I remember her and my stepdad came up to my room and basically said cut the shit or we will send you away to a hospital. Then they shut the door, went back downstairs and it was never talked about again. So I just learned to hide it better. My dad and my stepmom never knew. At the time I was already seeing a therapist, but didn't really think it was a big deal.... I was only 13. Too young to know where it would lead...
I had talked to both of my aunts what was going on at the time, back when we had a close relationship. One of my aunts (we'll call her #1) had called my mother to talk to her about ways to help me, and talk to her about it. My mother told her to mind her own business... and I just learned a few months ago that she didn't speak to #1 for 2 years over this. I now know she really did take away the only person who tried to help me. From then on, it was me on my own. I don't understand as a parent why you wouldn't want to do anything and everything to help your child when they need you.
A few months before my grandmother passed away, #1 came to visit, and I reached out to her, in an attempt to try and rebuild the relationship we'd had when I was younger. I wrote her an email explaining everything (minus the eating disorders), and we started to rebuild the relationship I had hoped for. Around that same time, my therapist was suggesting I talk to my mother about me having bipolar. I was resistant, but figured I would give it a shot. I remember telling her there was something someone wanted me to tell her and she said who and I said "My therapist". She just looked at me when I said I had Bipolar and responded with... "That's why you're so moody all the time". That was it. End of discussion. Never brought up again.
After my grandmother passed away I reached out to aunt #2, in hopes I could rebuild the relationship I had with her as well. I wrote her a letter explaining everything, and about how I was looking for more support. I got a letter back, and basically it was all about her, and her stress, what she was going thru... she barely acknowledged what I had to say. However, I made a second attempt. The response to that one was that building a relationship takes time, and to lets see where it goes, but that she couldn't guarantee I would even want one with her. I replied with that if we both wanted it and put the effort in, we could go with the "let's try". That was in September. I never got a response. It bothered me at first, but now I look at it as she didn't want to try to have a relationship with me. I hear from #1 every now and then, when it's convenient for her. Not how I had hoped things would turn out.
I don't have supportive parents. They never really showed that they loved me, they just bought me stuff instead. I now know you can't replace love with material possessions. They weren't there for me. I spent so many of my teenage years sitting in my room crying... alone. I know my mother and I will never have a relationship other than the one that is based around my son. That hope of ever having a mother/daughter relationship was thrown out the window a long time ago. Now being a parent myself, I hug, kiss, and tell my son a million times a day how much I love him, because I know what it's like to not have that. I want him to know that no matter what he can always come to me for absolutely anything, and I will do everything and anything I can to help him... there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for him! Mom will always be his #1 Fan :)
My therapist suggested I reach out to someone else in my family. So if I had to choose, it would be my middle sister (most people know I'm the oldest of 3 girls... we all have the same father, I have a different mother). I told my sister several years ago, however I'm sure she has no idea it's still going on. Honestly I don't think I will even tell her. I just would rather not.
Do I wish I had a supportive family? Of course. However, I just don't see that ever happening. I just feel like there is only so much effort you can put into something before you realize it's just not worth it anymore. At this point I see it as... It is what it is.
PS. This is not one of my better ones. The deep writing will resume tomorrow.
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