I couldn't agree with that more. It rings true for all aspects of life, at some point in our lives we are our own worst enemy... there has always been something that in some way, shape, or form, that has challenged each and every one of us. Sometimes we learn to loves ourselves, accept who we are, and realize we're not perfect... and sometimes we don't.
For as long as I can remember, I have hated the person staring back at me. I've always had little to no self esteem... I've always felt the need to be perfect. Obviously as I've gotten older it's not gotten any better, and became worse as I started putting on more weight. With the schedule I used to have, I was working till midnight, so I was always eating dinner and snacking late at night, then going right to bed. In November 2010 ( after a month of being sober), I was at my all time highest weight ever (with the exception of when I was pregnant). I was ridiculously depressed at that point, and I felt just plain fat. I couldn't take it anymore. I started changing my diet a bit and doing at least a mile on my treadmill every night. I lost 7 lbs before I got pregnant in February.
Gaining weight when I was pregnant didn't bother me.. I knew it was because of a baby, not just me getting fat. I gained 39 lbs during my pregnancy, and within 2 months of my son being born I was back to the original weight I had before having him. The weight just came off without much effort, some people apparently just lose their baby weight quickly, and I was lucky enough to be one of them. I did have a relapse with bulimia a few months after that.. sobered up, then had another relapse. I was maybe 10 lbs lighter after that. I still hated what I saw.
After my grandmother passed away last year, the anorexia battle began a few months later. I blame the original start of that relapse on stress. However I was going to Florida in November, and I was determined to fit back into the bikini I had worn on our honeymoon in 09... it was downhill from there. I started to lose weight, and that was when I was finally starting to gain some self esteem. I just wanted to be skinny... and I was starting to get there. I would weigh myself twice a day, sometimes 3 times. Loved how quick I was dropping that weight... and the pant size I was then in was like a miracle to me.
I myself realized it was becoming a problem when I went to the doctors in August 2013, and they weighed me. I saw the number and told the nurse something was wrong with the scale, that that number was weigh too high. That was when I started to see the skeleton and starting working on sobering up. I did gain a few pounds back during that time.
I only had about a 3 month window before this relapse. I had something I was struggling to cope with, so that was how it started again. I had a member of my family at Christmas time who said I had lost a lot of weight, and asked if I was ok, to which I obviously replied yes. I sure wasn't going to admit it.
Since then, I have obviously lost more weight. As much as I want to sober up for good (hopefully) this time, I have finally started to like the person staring back at me. Being able to fit into the pant size I dreamed about is still shocking to me. I love looking at myself in the mirror with those jeans on.... I finally see the skinny girl there. I know a lot of people think I look too thin, but I just want to lose a few more... then I will be at the exact number on the scale that I want. I weigh myself every day still... and I refuse to weigh more than a certain number. If I do, I start to hate myself again. I am now 42 lbs lighter than I was at my all time highest weight in Nov 2010. I have gone from a size 12 to a size 4.
Today I experienced another proud moment. I bought skinny jeans for the first time EVER. I tried them on, stared in the mirror, and thought... this is one of the best feelings ever... I never thought in a million years I would be able to fit in them. I didn't even want to take my eyes off the mirror cause I was so happy with what I saw... it was like true love for me. I have not been this weight since I was 14, and never thought I would be again. I have always always dreamed of this day.
This makes sobering up a million times harder. I don't want to gain ANY of that weight back.... none of it.... not even a pound. I ate normal food today and the feeling is just sitting in me... I know the number on the scale is higher, I can feel it... I hate even thinking about it cause I don't want to know the number... there is that little voice in my head that says just purge you will feel so much better... the other part says don't do it, because you know all it takes is one time to head down that road as well. As much as I hate it, I am listening to the second voice. I have always taken the easy way out... and it's so hard to try not to. I don't even want to know how much damage I have done to my body at this point.
When you have an eating disorder, you never see yourself the way the rest of the world sees you. We have a distorted body image that never looks skinny enough to us... even when people tell me I look skinny, and I feel skinny, I will never feel as skinny as the outside sees. This is why it is so easy to get sucked into these diseases.. the voices in my head tell me two different things, and it's hard to fight off the bad voice for the good, when you know the bad one is the easy way out....
However, I'm willing to give it my best shot.
.
No comments:
Post a Comment