There is no better way to say that.... but it is the cold hard truth. There's nothing else you can do.
(If anyone has a hard time hearing what I've done, do not read further... it's a little graphic/detailed)
This is the stuff I can remember... so much of these diseases I tried to block out and forget...
When I was 7, I refused to go to school unless I threw up first. I would sit in the bathroom for however long it took to get something up... I didn't care if it made me late, it was what I needed to start my day. I remember it very clearly, however I have vivid memories of how long it lasted, I just know it wasn't a long term thing. I don't think that had any affect on the decisions I made later on, but I find it odd that it was an issue for me when I was so young. I don't think at the age it was weight based at all... yet I know I obviously must have gotten an empty feeling from it.
Fast forward 4-5 years later....
I knew the risks. I had someone come to my school who had battled both eating disorders, to talk to my health class about all the consequences of them. I was 11 or 12 at the time (can't remember if it was 6th grade or 7th). To hear her story and the things she went thru were definitely an eye opener to these diseases... I didn't understand how someone could do that to themselves, I didn't understand how that could possibly make someone feel better, especially knowing all the damage that they can do to your body. With that being said.... I don't understand how I let it happen to me....
I purged for the first time when I was a few months shy of 14. It hurt, and I thought how can anyone do this? It definitely hurt the first several times, but I still loved the feeling of relief afterwards. After that, my body just learned to adjust to it. The difference between the two eating disorders is that bulimia is so much easier to hide, because you basically just maintain your weight... so unless someone is watching you eat like it's thanksgiving then go to the bathroom, it can easily go unnoticed. The bulimia battle went sober and relapse so many times thru my high school years, I can't keep track. I just know that when I played softball freshman year, I was in a very bad place.
After I graduated high school, it was still on and off. I was in a relationship that should have ended long before it did, and I think the stress of the constant fighting was a huge part of it. My husband and I were friends for two years before we started dating, so he's known all along that I've had issues with an eating disorder. I broke up with my ex because my husband and I had feelings for each other and wanted to see where it would go (obviously a good decision!). When my husband and I started dating, I felt fantastic, eating disorder out of my life! When he broke up with me a year later, down I went.... right back to it. Three months after that, we were back together, and things were great again. We moved in together a year later, and bought our house two years after that. So overall, I had a good solid 3 years where for the most part I was fine.... I would purge on and off here and there when I felt the need to, but nothing crazy. I did however, still have a lot of depression issues.
Then 2008 hit like a ton of bricks. I became very very depressed... and the purging was out of control... twice a day, five times a day... sometimes more. I needed to feel that feeling constantly. I started seeing a therapist who I didn't even like, and a psychiatrist who wouldn't give me medication till my purging was more under control. I felt like I was starting the stages of sobering up, then my best friend moved away, and I just lost it. I finally was doing better towards the end of 2008, which lasted for awhile/
And most people probably don't know this...
My then 19 yr old sister was hospitalized that summer for mono, and one night my stepmother and I were just hanging out in her room with her talking, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, she just flat lined. They came running in with the crash cart and I stood in the hallway for what felt like hours, until I heard her talking and laughing again. That will always be by far the scariest moment of my life. I will always have an attachment to her, because there was a chance I would have lost her.
Between that and other things that happened that summer, I had a hard time not falling back into purging, but it didn't last long because I felt fantastic before my wedding in Sept 2009. Things continued to be great, I stopped seeing the therapist I had, and stopped taking all my medications. I was perfectly fine. However a few months into 2010 I started to become very depressed again. I was crying hours a day for months and mid summer decided it was time for a new therapist (the one I still have). I felt a relapse coming which did happen, but sobered up October, and was sober until after my son was a few months old.
I have done a lot of damage to my body. I get sore throats constantly, contracted gum disease, and developed IBS, among many other stomach problems... and these are only the things I know about. I think my body has physically hit the point where I can't purge anymore cause it hurts too much... so to get the same feeling I fell into the anorexia trap.
I wish I could go back and change all of it. I wish I could forget all of it and pretend it never existed. How did I let this happen? How did I let this take over me? Why didn't I stop myself? I don't have the answers. If only I could turn the clock back to the first time I purged and not have done it... my life would be in a whole different place. But the bottom line is... it's the past. I can hate it as much as I want, but that doesn't fix anything. And as much as I wish I could have that blank slate, I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not gone thru these struggles. I want to blame myself for making what I honestly think started with one stupid decision... but what's done is done.
I wish I could stop looking in the rearview mirror and focus on the windshield. The past really is the past... there is no reverse. Working on getting myself to a better place... that's the windshield. And if it starts to snow, I should just drive a little slower, turn the wipers on, and keep going. I just have to remember not to defrost the back window.
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