Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress. Which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.

Since revealing this, I have felt like I am nothing but one big disappointment.  I was on the phone with my best friend yesterday crying over how I feel like I'm letting everyone around me down.  She has gone thru 6 years of this with me, and said she will never give up on me.  But that doesn't change the feeling.  However I have been reassured by several people that I shouldn't feel that way, and that I am definitely not.... I guess that is somewhat a relief.  I have learned I can't have anyone in my life who brings negativity to the situation cause all that will do is bring me down.  I beat myself up enough that I don't need anything else weighing me down.

The first step was taking the huge leap out of my comfort zone and revealing the private battle, in hopes of finding some support, which I definitely have found.  I need to take some smaller steps now.  There are so many emotions and so much build up that comes along with this disease, it's beyond overwhelming for me... and alot of it is kept strictly between my therapist and myself.  I have always had major trust issues. 

 However, I'm learning that it's hard for people to help me if they don't know what I'm thinking or feeling... so the next step out of my comfort zone is to work on that.  I have reached a point in my life where I have become a pretty good judge of character and think I have felt out the "safe" people.  I have a few that fit into that category... I have become trusting enough to know that anything I say is kept just between me and the other person.  That in itself is a huge comfort to me knowing I have that, and I have released a lot of feelings and emotions spread out over those few people, and just let it all flow. I'm sure it makes them feel good knowing they can give me that safety net... and can help me with whatever is bothering me once I start letting it out.  I still have a bit of a filter on me, but I think everyone does.  

What is the next step for me... where do I go from here?  I have made 2 big steps out of my comfort zone.  I feel over whelmed... I feel like maybe the next step needs to be a smaller one... which I'm still questioning what that may be.  I feel from here is where I begin to feel lost.  I know I will get there a little at a time... like someone told me... this didn't happen overnight, and it's not going to be fixed overnight, it takes work.  There are so many pieces to the puzzle for me... and I have a few together.  I know I need to dig deeper into the root of my empty feeling... cause quite honestly I'm beginning to think there is more to it then even I know.

The physical part of this disease is obviously the other main issue.  Everyone tells me I look thin, some too thin, but of course I don't see what they see.  I know it's a problem... I see how knee deep in shit I am right now.  However I see the numbers and I say just a few more.  And of course my empty need feeling just rolls with it. I was actually confronted by someone today who said they think I have a problem... obviously I'm not going to admit it and quite honestly its something I wouldn't say to someone.

I know this is a long process... and I have that long road ahead of me.  But I will get there a little at a time... After all, I am a work in progress.