I haven't always been a guarded person. I actually was the complete opposite till I was a teenager. But when I was 10, my uncle passed away in a motorcycle accident. I was traumatized from it, mainly because it was the first person close to me that died, and I was very close to him, and I felt like he had left me. After that, for whatever reason, I found myself attaching to everyone around me, and was like that for a few years. When I was 13 my aunt moved away... and I felt like I was left again. That was also around the same I started purging... and I had a few friends rat me out to one of our teachers for that. That's when I started questioning who I could and couldn't trust.
When I started high school, I was still feeling the same way. One of my friends caught me purging and told one of our teachers.. so once again I was questioning everything. By the time I was 16, I was done. I was so deep in depression, I didn't want to let anyone in, and I started really isolating myself. When I started dating my ex boyfriend right before senior year ( who also knew I had eating disorder issues), I was a little better because I was in a great relationship at the time, and I had a few friends I loved being with.
When I graduated high school I spent almost all my time with my boyfriend whenever I wasn't at work, even though we spent most of our time fighting. I still had a few close friends but we spent less and less time together as I continued to spend more and more time with him. There was one friend I still spent time with, which was definitely a good thing, but other than her and my boyfriend I was almost never with anyone else, and I was def attached and trusted both of them completely, or so I thought.
I tried so hard to make our relationship work, I didn't ever want to be with anyone else... I think it was the whole first love thing for both of us.
Most people don't know that my ex boyfriend was a cutter.... which I didn't know for a long time. He had had issues with it a lot in the past, and had told me about a year and a half into our relationship. My trust issues came into the picture again, as I wondered we he lied to me about it all that time. He had cut himself a few times in our relationship but said it was because his parents would stress him out (true story). 2 years into our relationship the fighting just got worse and worse, we were breaking up and getting back together every other day. I decided I wanted to break up with him (for real) because I just couldn't do it anymore. Well I did break it off... or tried to. I went to his house after I had told him I thought we would be better off apart... and there he was his arm all cut up. He said it was my fault that I made him do it, that he couldn't be without me. So me being 19, I felt like I had to stay with him and make it work, because I did love him still. 4 months after that, I started questioning if I was still in love with him. I couldn't even stand him being near me, I didn't even want him kissing me. However I stuck it out for 3 more months then I had to end it. 2 days before we broke up, I kissed someone else (now my husband), and right then and there I knew I wanted to be with him. So I admitted it to my ex. He told me it was either him or my husband, that I couldn't have both. Well, we know what choice I made. The next day he came while I was at work and dumped all my stuff on top of my car, and that was it.
However he would still go to my house when I wasn't home to see my parents and my dog (creepy I thought). He showed up on Easter for dinner because my parents had invited him yet never bothered asking me. A few weeks after that, when my husband and I were officially together, I stupidly called him and told him, mainly because I didn't want him hearing it from thru the grapevine. He yelled and hung up on me and we didn't speak for weeks... however we were in a wedding together which was awkward, and he drove me home from it in complete silence. That was pretty much the last time I spoke to him.... however he did admit to me that he never wanted to get married or have kids, that he had made that decision awhile back... yet LIED to me early on that that was what he wanted. So glad I walked away. However people who know who he is know I have to see him on a consistent basis... and he wont even look in my direction still, 11 years later.
My husband and I had a hard beginning, and I had a lot of trust issues having come out of an almost 3 year relationship. I struggled trying to build a trusting relationship with him, but once I did things were great. Then we he broke up with me a year later, all my trust issues came back into play. I didn't know what to think or feel. We got back together a few months later and things went back to the way they had been, like we had never been apart. However, I did always have the fear of him breaking up with me again, and didn't completely trust him. It took another year for me to get past that, when we moved in together. Once we bought our house, I knew it was a done deal :)
I was so happy again, hanging out with my best friend all the time, and made a few new friends that we hung out with. I was hesitant, because with friendship becomes trust.... and I wasn't ready to trust anyone else, having been thru everything I had. However, I slowly started letting my guard down, cause I was sure I wasn't going to get hurt. I knew they were different. Once I had my worst relapse in 2008, I turned to them. I realized then I had some amazing friends. After my best friend moved away, I was still ok because I had them. Well a year later... I had a falling out with all of them... and my best friend was the only left out of them all. At the time I was so upset, however now I look back and say it was one of the best things that ever happened, and I have no regrets. I had thought I had finally gotten to a place where I trusted people... and I was wrong. Well that was my breaking point. I stayed inside my bubble and didn't let anyone in and put every wall possible up. Almost every person I had ever let in had left me, so I decided I was never going to open up to anyone again.
However, it was then I realized throughout my whole life, I was never able to build a 100% trusting relationship with ANYONE. Even the people I had trusted I had never let my guard down completely, which I think stems from my childhood. I wanted to be able to form that relationship with someone, no matter how scary it was, because I wanted to know what it was like to be completely open and have absolutely no fear. That was one of the main reasons I started seeing my therapist... because I knew I needed to let every little part of me out, I needed that 100% trust, I needed to be fearless. I knew if I couldn't build that relationship with a therapist I would never be able to do it. Well, I'm proud to say that I have.... and it's one of the most amazing feelings ever, to throw it all out there with no fear of judgment. It's such a relief to have no secrets!
But I am still a very guarded person to the rest of the world... I still have a lot of walls up. Writing my first blog and putting it out there... a huge step for me to let that wall down, but it felt great to not have to live in the bubble alone anymore, and I have no regrets! And I think after everything I've been thru I have become a very good judge of character now and I feel people out for a long time before deciding if they're safe. I have a few people who have taken down some walls for me and I have started to open up to and it feels good and I feel like I might be starting to trust again.... however I still don't want to get close to anyone with the fear that they are just going to leave me.... because there are no guarantees. I feel like now I have been too open and need to go back in my shell where I know it's safe and I can protect myself... I need to put some walls back up because the fear is too much for me. It's not a matter of wanting to keep people out or not trusting, its more about who I can let knock them down without the fear of getting hurt. When I open up too much the fear kicks back in and I start to pull away because that's just a natural defense for me. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to not. It's not about anyone else, I know I have so many people to support me and be there and I'm thankful for that... so I'm hoping this will get easier for me. Just bear with me :)
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