It's been awhile since my last one. Last week my childhood dog had to be put to sleep after 14 years with her. Losing her has been extremely hard for me... adjusting to life without someone who has been a part of me since I was 17 is definitely not easy. I'm just trying my best to cope with it at this point, because that's all I can do.... but I know I will never ever be the same again. I didn't even get to say goodbye to her or see her one last time... because my parents didn't call me until a half hour before they put her down. I'd be lying if I said that didn't piss me off. I wanted to see her one last time. I am so sad and miss her so much. But honestly, she was suffering, and it wasn't fair to her anymore. She had really bad arthritis and had a very hard time walking and laying down/getting up. She had a good long 15 years of life. RIP Callie, I will love you forever.
One thing I've noticed about myself that I didn't really pay attention to until today, is that I feel much more mellowed. Things that I think should be earth shattering for me aren't at all. I've had to distance myself a bit from two important very people in my life... by choice. It bothered me, but didn't leave me upset like I thought it would.
One was because I couldn't take the lecturing and criticism anymore. I understand I need people to be hard on me sometimes. I need to be told how it is. However, to be called selfish and be lectured what was starting to feel like every single day was not helping me. If anything, it was making me feel worse. I don't need to be told what I'm doing is wrong on a consistent basis. She is a huge part of my life, but I had to take a step back... for myself. It isn't what I wanted to have to do, but it's definitely what is best right now.
The other is simply because she is toxic for me. I've been friends with her since I was 12 and we have been thru so much together... but she also has a lot of issues herself and ultimately we are actually toxic for each other. We have always been there for each other through all of our struggles... but she is also the type of person that drops in and out of my life at her convenience, and I just can't have that anymore. I hate that this is what I had to do, but I had to do it in order to move forward in recovery. This isn't a part of my life I can have her be in. I cannot help her with her struggles while trying to overcome my own. For me, she's like a weight.
I feel like I should be distraught over this... but oddly I'm not. It bothers me, but I haven't dwelled on it or cried about it. A part of me thinks it may be because I have brought some very positive people in....and that's what I need. Writing that blog and sending it out was a huge risk for me.... but it also brought someone back into my life that I didn't realize how much I'd missed until then.
Most people know I've had zero guidance in life.... so there's nothing more comforting than having someone who would do anything in the world for me. Someone who tells me she loves me every day, because she doesn't ever want me to think for a second that she doesn't. She's known me for half of my life, and wants nothing more than to see me happy and wishes she could just fix it. To her I will always be her "little baby girl", which makes me feel like I'm 5, but at the same time it's comforting knowing how much she loves me and just wants to protect me.... and I've never had either of those. For me, it's having big sister/mom/friend all rolled into one. I hate that we had so many years apart and that it took sending out that first blog for this to happen.... but better late than never. Everything happens for a reason, and I don't think either of us are letting each other go this time!
So as much as a part of me feels like my medication isn't working, maybe it's actually just mellowing me out and I'm learning what I need in my life... and what I don't. When it comes to people, I feel like I've closed one chapter and opened another.... definitely a good thing. As much as I feel depressed... I know it won't last forever. I've had so many changes in my life the last few months I think I am just struggling to adjust and trying to figure out where to go next.
Have I still been weighing myself every day? Most of them. Do I like what I see? Not at all. I'm struggling with that really bad right now because at this moment I don't feel skinny. Someone actually told me the other day I looked better with a little more weight on me. I wanted to throw something because that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I know I have gained a little weight back... and I am not okay with that at all... It bothers me to look in the mirror because I can see where the weight is. See, I'm sure it sounds weird, but I have never eaten like a "normal" person. I've always eaten everything or pretty much nothing.... because obviously if I was full I would purge... and eating just cereal... well that's nothing. I was never taught to eat normal... it's always been this way for me. This is one of the hardest things for me to learn and try to teach myself. I keep trying to tell myself I am a work in progress... this is not going to happen overnight.... I am not going to wake up tomorrow "cured".
The hardest thing about anyone with an eating disorder... we cannot accept anything less than perfection. Yet I myself need to accept the fact that I will never be perfect... and that there's nothing wrong with that.... because no one is.
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