Be Yourself. An original is worth more than a copy (EDITED VERSION)

Be Yourself. An original is worth more than a copy.

When it comes to alot of things in life, I am generally a very private person but I felt compelled to share my experiences in hopes that it may help other women like me. Women who feel alone and are afraid to expose their situations and struggles. This was my life; I lived it isolated in my own world. This is my story.

I am a wife. I have Bipolar 1, MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), Borderline Personality Disorder, Severe Anxiety, and ADHD. I've also had an on and off battle with both Anorexia and Bulimia most of my life, one of which spiraled out of control this past summer and almost left me hospitalized. I am still struggling with it on a daily basis. But most importantly, above all else, I am a mom.

Part of why I'm writing this is because I love being a mom. I never thought it was possible to love someone so much until my son was born. I can't believe I made that perfect little person! I didn't always feel that way. I felt like it was a tough struggle from the very beginning. I had a hard time getting pregnant. It was hard to see all my friends having babies and that it wasn't happening for me. However when least expected it happened! Mood wise, I felt amazing through my entire pregnancy. The hormones that make people miserable seemed to actually balance me out. In that sense I would have loved being pregnant forever! When my son was born, everything changed. I only held him briefly after he was born, due to complications I had after delivery.

My son was born November 2, 2011. I loved him instantly, but becoming a parent terrified me. I didn't know what to do when he cried. I felt like didn't know anything. I thought my emotions were just that of becoming a new mom and hoped it would soon get better.
I was crying constantly after we left the hospital. Part of it was due to Bipolar Disorder so my emotions were naturally fragile. But it was more than that. When my son was a week and a half old, it was quite obvious that I was suffering from post partum. My therapist called my doctor and I was given a low dose of Prozac, the only thing I could take at the time as I was still giving my son breastmilk. The medication did nothing for me, and even when I stopped pumping, she couldn't as a gynecologist give me anything stronger. So I stopped taking it. Then my son became Colic. It was the longest three months of my life. He never stopped crying unless he was eating or sleeping. He had to be held all the time because every time I would put him down he would scream. I slept on the couch with him for the first 4 months of his life... its amazing how little sleep you learn to survive on! The day he turned three months old he screamed all day. That was the last day like that. The colic was over, but I was still the same. I wasn't enjoying being a mom at all.

Before I was pregnant, my therapist was advising me to see a psychiatrist, in hopes that medication would help. I resisted, and by the time I had finally agreed, I was pregnant. When I stopped taking the Prozac, I still felt depressed, but still wouldn't go see a psychiatrist. I continued on this downspiral for months, literally crying all the time. I started purging again; the one thing I have always turned to for the empty feeling of relief. When my son was 6 months old, I gave in. After 6 months, I still didn't enjoy being a mom. I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I needed medication.

From June 2012 to May 2013 I saw a psychiatrist who started me on a few different medications, and within that time adjusted the dosages a few times. It made little difference. My post partum was still awful, I still wasn't enjoying being a mom. So after very little results, I decided it was time for a new psychiatrist. My therapist knew someone who she said would be the perfect match for me, and when it comes to professionals, that is what you need. There has to be that personality match; either click or you don't. In the beginning of June 2013, I had my first appointment, and thankfully she was the perfect match! She actually kept me on the same medications I had, just lowered the dosage of one and raised the dosage on the other two.

Right around that time, Anorexia really took over my life, but I didn't want to see it... no one with an eating disorder sees what the rest of the world sees. I just saw it as I didn't really have an appetite, and if I'm not hungry I'm not going to eat. I was finally starting to love what I saw, both in the mirror and on the scale. I was always tired, super moody (there's only so much medication can do when your body is being destroyed), and dizzy a lot of the time. I had multiple people express their concerns about my weight, to which I dismissed because I felt it wasn't their business. Most people think this disease is a choice, but it isn't. There are so many emotions that go along with it. May, June, and July were by far the worst. I was weighing myself 3 times a day, sometimes more. I was living on cereal (which is actually one of the most common food among people with eating disorders I learned). The end of July, I looked in the mirror one day, and instead of seeing the girl I was beginning to love, I saw what was beginning to look like a skeleton. At that moment, I knew I needed help. I turned to a close friend, when I knew I was in way over my head. She said she was on the verge of confronting me about it herself. My husband had no idea what was going on until I finally told him. When he saw me getting dressed one day he couldn't believe what he saw. He said this needed to stop and I needed to fix this and to do what I needed to do. I started seeing my therapist twice a week. By mid September, I was doing somewhat better. It's still very much a part of me, and I still freak out if I gain any weight, but I am working through this issue in therapy. I am trying to take it day by day. If it weren't for my amazing therapist, I wouldn't be where I am today.

That fall, I felt like my medication was finally working... and I was starting to feel great! Being Bipolar I still have ups and downs, but I was handling daily life much better. One additional medication has been added, as the ADHD is a recent diagnosis, and I can finally focus like a real person. However, the hyper part is still there. Anyone who knows me knows I can't stand or sit still for more than 2 minutes ( I can't tell you how many times I have gotten up while writing this). Sorry everyone, it's probably never going to change!

I have gone through all of these struggles and challenges all while being a mom. I lost practically a year and a half of my life... my sons first year and a half of life, being trapped in postpartum. Yes being Bipolar amongst other issues were a contribution, but I could tell the difference between them. It saddens me that I missed out on so many moments of being a mom. I never thought this would happen to me, but it did. I survived, but it was a very long year and a half. I am so thankful to have the husband I do, who spent a lot of time being both parents to my son when I couldn't handle it. I could not have gotten through this without him.

I know there are moms out there like me; many of them. We don't choose post partum, it chooses us. So many feel alone in this battle, and don't think they should feel the way they do. Taking the step towards getting help will be the best step you ever take. So many moms don't want to go public with their struggle, they are ashamed, or embarrassed, and they shouldn't be. There is nothing wrong with getting the help you need to enjoy being a mom. I never planned to share my story, but if it helps one mom, from going through what I went through, it would be worth it.